


Somewhere In Time

by Anonymous



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Multi, Polyamory, some smut?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:34:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24526951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Anakin crashes on Tatooine and finds out he has travelled to the future. Now he has to find out what happened and how he can get back to his own time to stop it.Repost of an old story.
Relationships: Padmé Amidala/Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 35
Kudos: 96
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If this title and summary sound familiar, yes, I posted this before, about two years ago? Maybe earlier? I deleted it because of some drama, but well, fuck that, I still like the story. This version is very lightly edited. If you have no clue what I'm talking about, don't worry about it, enjoy!

Anakin blinks in confusion. He must have been out for a while after what happened. Another crash. It’s not like it’s new for him now, but to crash right here, on Tatooine, that is bad. He really hoped he’d never see this hellhole again, and yet somehow he keeps returning, not entirely voluntary.

It was supposed to be a simple mission. If Obi-Wan hadn’t been out, lying in the sickbay with a few broken ribs from the last mission, it’d probably _have been_ a simple mission too. However, he messed up the negotiation _somehow_ – probably some local custom he forgot about. The locals had come after his ship and shot him down over Tatooine. Kriffing Tatooine.

As he walks out of his ship, he can see how utterly destroyed it is. Even he won’t be able to repair this mess. Not without spare parts. And there are probably no spare parts here. All he can see from here is sand, and oh _surprise_ , more sand. He does not like sand.

It looks somehow familiar here, but Anakin knows very well all these sand dunes look alike _. The desert is merciless_ , he once told Ahsoka.

Ahsoka… She’s gone and still he keeps thinking of her. It’s like a piece of him is missing. He can only hope she’s okay after she left the order. Obi-Wan had tried to talk to him, but he didn’t want to talk. He failed Ahsoka. The order failed Ahsoka. He understands, he does, and still he feels abandoned. He can only feel that massive hole she left in his heart the day she left. He lost her, like he lost his mom. He swore he’d never lose anyone ever again, and still, it keeps happening.

The Force feels strange here. It’s like something has changed since the last time he was here. Something huge. Of course the war would have changed things, but he didn’t expect it to feel like this. But well, it’s not like anything has _really_ changed. If he walks far enough, he must be able to find civilization.

* * *

Obi-Wan feels… different than he did before starting his meditation. Just before there was emptiness, sorrow, the immeasurable pain of being all alone. Now, opening his eyes, the world seems no longer cloaked in shades of grey. It’s like some part of him healed.

It seems ridiculous. He’s been feeling either nothing or the deepest of sorrow for the last two months. And then there’s the guilt, the never-ending guilt, eating away at him in every minute of every day. And then, in his dreams at night.

But not now. Now there’s light, like he can see the suns for the first time in years. For the first time in his _life_. He must be getting delusional. He must be dreaming.

It’s only been a few months since he confronted Anakin on Mustafar. Since… No, he still isn’t ready to go back to the moment. He did what he had to do. There is no use in dwelling on the past, even if it’s all he seems to do right now; remembering all they ever had, wondering where it ever went wrong, what he should have done. He wishes, more than anything, he could have Anakin back. Get a second chance. Turn back time.

* * *

Anakin hates this place so much. The suns are burning and even if he never gets a sunburn, he’s starting to feel like he’s tempting fate at this point. He’s dumped most of his armor at this point; it’ll only hinder him here. He’s probably going to get a scolding from the council about that too when he gets back.

If he comes back.

He’s been walking for a few hours now and he hasn’t even run into a moisture farm to ask for directions. He’s really in the middle of nowhere and that’s worrying. Of course he brought supply bars and all the water he could get his hands on, but that doesn’t mean he’ll get out alive. His feet have started to ache and his threat is burning. The soft wind, not dangerous, but annoying, is blowing sand into his eyes and his cheeks now seem permanently stained with tears under the scarf he’s wrapped around his mouth and nose. He knows what that wind means: an upcoming sand storm. He’s seen this many times before, people who go into the desert and never return. The slave children would whisper they were eaten by the storm, swallowed up by the sand. Maybe he should have stayed by his broken up ship, waiting for rescue. But who knows how long that would have taken?

And then, finally, after hours and hours of just _sand_ , there is a settlement in sight. It’s not a moisture farm, however. It’s just a small hut, nothing more. Outside of it there’s a Bantha, looking up slowly like only a beast of that stature can. It looks like nothing Anakin has ever seen here before. There’s something drawing him towards the place and it’s not just the need for rest and directions. It’s almost like it’s familiar. But he’s never seen this before. Not even close. He makes his way up the hill, blinking a few times to get the sand out of his eyes, a useless effort.

‘Keep moving, Anakin,’ he whispers to himself, his voice sounding raw.

No more speaking until he gets there, then. He can only hope the inhabitants would be friendly. It’s such a strange thing to do, live all the way out here, away from the settlements, not farming moisture… It’s like, whoever lives here, wants to get away from people. Wants to hide, maybe. But if you want to get away, why come _here_? Why Tatooine? He’d thought about getting away himself sometimes, but whenever he dreamed about leaving everything behind, Padmé was with him. In those dreams he’s on Naboo with her, starting a family. In those dreams there is no more war, no more suffering. Just the two of them. And still, sometimes, in those fantasies it felt like something was missing. He never quite figured out what it was, until a few months ago, when he realized it was Obi-Wan he’d been missing all along.

_‘I know, Anakin,’ Padmé says. ‘I’ve always known you loved him.’_

_‘I’m sorry,’ he says, burying his face in his hands. ‘I’m so sorry. Please believe me when I say I love you. I love you so much.’_

_Gently Padmé puts her arm around her husbands, rubs circles in his back, waits out his sobs. ‘I know, Ani. And I am not angry at you.’_

_Anakin looks at her, his beautiful kind wife. She’s everything to him. He would die for her. But she would ask no such thing of him. She asks only for his love, and she has it, all of it, yet there still is Obi-Wan. There is still the man he’s suddenly, quietly fell in love with. The man he’s fought a thousand battles with, side to side, back to back. And he’d give his life for him too._

_‘How can you not be angry?’ Anakin sobs. ‘How can you not hate me?’_

_Padmé smiles reassuringly. ‘I could never hate you, Ani. I love you. And all I want is to see you happy.’_

_Anakin shakes his head and buries his head in her dark curls and sniffs up the sweet scent of her perfume. She smells like her, feels like her, and he loves her, loves her more than anything._

_‘What do I do?’ he asks, desperate for her help, his voice muffled by her hair. ‘What do I do now?’_

_Padmé kisses the top of his head and takes a deep breath. ‘If you…If you choose to tell him, I’d be okay with that.’_

_‘What do you mean?’_

_‘If you love him and he loves you, then who am I to stand in your way?’ Padmé says, her voice calm and collected, and so full of love._

_‘I don’t want to lose you, Padmé,’ he whispers into her curls._

_‘You won’t lose me. You won’t ever lose me. We can share you, don’t you think?’_

_Anakin sits up and looks into her beautiful dark eyes. ‘You can? You’re okay with that?’_

_She smiles. ‘Yes. I am.’_

The memory of his wife fills him with determination. He’d make it back for her. _Just_ for her. What happened after, when he told Obi-Wan, it’s… His heart still hurts thinking about it. But she’s there, waiting for him. He’ll get home for her.

* * *

There’s a knock on the door of Obi-Wan’s hut.

How can there be there a knock on his door? Nobody ever comes here, not even Owen or Beru. And if it was the empire, he’d have known already. The empire wouldn’t _knock_ , now, would they?

Would they?

His heart racing, Obi-Wan moves to open the door. He could just pretend not to be here, he considers doing that for a second, but it might be a being in need. He’d never leave someone dying if he can prevent it. Slowly and carefully he opens the door, expecting to find a lost traveler or Owen, or even the emperor himself. Not this. Anything but this. The man by his door is a ghost.

‘ _Anakin_?’

Obi-Wan stares at him, covered in sand, a scarf tied before his nose and mouth, his blue eyes red from the sand, but unmistakably _his_ blue eyes, his golden curls, and, when he pulls down his scarf and speaks his name, his lips and his voice. His Anakin.

‘How can you be here?’ Anakin says, his voice raw from the time in the desert.

 _How can you be here_ , he asks, as if he’s the one that should be asking that question. As if he’s not the ghost that came back to haunt him.

‘Anakin,’ he repeats. ‘You are… not real.’

_He can’t be._

‘I am real,’ he replies. ‘I don’t understand.’

No. It’s impossible. The last time he saw Anakin, he died. He must have died. He saw Anakin dying, he saw him burning up, he saw the life leaving his sickeningly yellow eyes. Maybe Anakin, the real Anakin, died way before that, but the man standing in front of him, staring at him, he doesn’t look dead. How can that be?

Slowly Obi-Wan stretches out his arm to touch his shoulder, and when it hits the cloth of his robes, it doesn’t go right through it, like one would except from a ghost, and _then_ he believes it. He grabs the fabric of the robe, pulls him closer and embraces him with all he has.

‘Anakin,’ he whispers in his curls. ‘How I’ve missed you.’

He cannot be here, Obi-Wan reminds himself. This must be a dream. And still, the firmness and familiarity of Anakin’s body feels so real. He inhales the scent of him, sweat and oil and that conditioner in his hair that actually belongs to Obi-Wan, but he used to always borrow it until Obi-Wan just gave him his own bottle. He’s _real_ , and if he’s not real, then this must be the most realistic vision he’s ever had.

‘What’s going on?’ Anakin asks, sounding confused. ‘What’s wrong?’

Obi-Wan lets go of him, and looks at him one more time before turning around. When he looks back, Anakin is still standing in the door, looking confused as ever.

‘Wait,’ Obi-Wan says. ‘No. I mean, come in. I’ll… I’ll get you something to drink.’

Anakin nods and looks around, before deciding on the seat by the bed. Obi-Wan looks away, his heart racing as he tries to find the blue milk. How can Anakin be here? How is this possible? He must be a Force vision, but he has never had a vision like this. He’s never served a Force vision blue milk before.

‘So,’ Obi-Wan says, putting the milk in front of Anakin. Anakin, real or vision, takes it and slowly drinks. Obi-Wan can’t help but stare at him, watch his every little move. He’s Anakin. He can see it in everything, in the way he sits, the way he drinks, the way he looks at him. He seems just as surprised to see him here as Obi-Wan is to see Anakin here. Obi-Wan sits on the bed next to him, not speaking for a minute, just staring.

‘I thought you were in the sick bay.’ Anakin is the first to talk. ‘I saw you, just a few days ago.’

‘I…,’ Obi-Wan starts, but he doesn’t know how to go on. ‘When was the last time you saw me?’

‘In the sick bay, I told you, four days ago. Your ribs were broken. I was going on that mission to Arkanis, you told me to make very sure not to anger the empress, I angered the empress…’

Obi-Wan stares at him in disbelief. ‘Anakin, that was over a year ago. And you didn’t anger the empress. You came straight back to Coruscant.’

‘I didn’t anger the empress?’ Anakin raises an eyebrow. ‘Now _that_ is hard to believe.’

‘You didn’t,’ Obi-Wan replies. The dull ache in his heart reminds him how much he has missed Anakin’s stupid jokes. ‘It went fine.’

‘How can be over a year ago if it _just_ happened?’ He’s quiet for a second. ‘Do you think the Force has something to do with this?’

‘I think…’ Obi-Wan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He thinks Anakin must be a dream. A vision maybe. He doesn’t know why or how, but he can’t be real. ‘I don’t think you can be real.’

‘But I am!’ Anakin protests. ‘I don’t know how to prove it, but I’m real. How can you think I’m not?’

Obi-Wan looks away, at the chest that’s holding Anakin’s lightsaber right now. The same one as the Anakin that’s sitting here is wearing on his belt. If he’s real, and that’s a completely crazy thing to think about, what could he ever tell him? What can he say when the last time he saw him he was burning alive? When it was _his_ fault he was burning alive?

‘Obi-Wan? Please answer me.’

He looks back into Anakin’s eyes, still blue, so blue. The memory of the yellow eyes seems so far away all of the sudden.

‘Because…’ Obi-Wan looks away again. ‘Because you’re not supposed to be alive.’

Anakin pauses for a second and then slowly he starts to understand. ‘No,’ he whispers. ‘How can that be? I’m here. I’m alive.’ His eyes widen. ‘I’m alive, am I not?’

‘You seem alive, yes,’ Obi-Wan replies, trying to sound dry, but failing. ‘But you died months ago.’

‘So you’re in the future?’ Anakin gets up and starts to pace around. ‘This must be a vision. Maybe the Force is trying to warn me.’ He looks back at him. ‘Obi-Wan?’

Obi-Wan sighs. He knows what Anakin will ask. He knows him. Knew him. This Anakin looks so real, _feels_ so real. How can a vision think he’s in a vision himself? Why would the Force confuse him like this?

‘How did I die?’ Anakin asks, and Obi-Wan can feel his heart burn to ash. ‘Was it the clone wars? Dooku? Please tell me, Obi-Wan.’

‘No.’ Obi-Wan almost smiles. ‘You defeated Dooku. You’re far stronger than him, Anakin. You were.’

‘Then who?’

‘I did.’


	2. Chapter 2

Anakin is quiet for a second, letting the words sink in. Obi-Wan killed him? He looks at the man sitting next to him, to his familiar face and his blue eyes he loves so much. He could never hurt him, could he? He could never…

If this is a vision of what will happen, why show it? Why show him such a terrible thing?

‘What happened?’ Anakin asks, his voice flat and terrified at the same time. ‘Obi-Wan, please tell me it was an accident. Please tell me…’ He can feel himself tearing up. ‘Please tell me this is not real.’

‘It wasn’t an accident.’

Anakin can feel his heart drop. Obi-Wan killed him. There’s a possibility Obi-Wan will kill him. He doesn’t know which of the two is true, but both of them are terrible. And there is no way they can be true. Right? No way.

‘Obi-Wan, tell me,’ he says, falling back down in his chair. ‘How?’

‘You –’ he starts, looking off into the distance, as if lost in a memory. ‘You turned to the dark side. You killed younglings. You killed Padmé.’ It visibly hurts him. ‘So I killed you.’

‘No,’ Anakin whispers. ‘I wouldn’t. I’d never!’ His voice raises by every syllable spoken and by the time he reaches the end of the sentence he’s screaming. Obi-Wan just looks at him sadly. No denying, no reaching out. He’s just looking at him.

‘You did,’ Obi-Wan replies, and Anakin can see deep pools of sorrow in his eyes. He’s not lying. ‘I never understood why. You were…’ He slowly shakes his head. ‘I went off to fight, and when we said goodbye, you smiled at me like you loved me. When I came back, you looked at me like you hated me.’

‘No…’

‘And you did hate me.’

Anakin can’t hear any more. It’s not true. He never wanted to cause anyone he loved any pain. And most of all, not Padmé. Not Obi-Wan. He could never kill her. He could never hate him.

‘I couldn’t have.’

‘You told me.’ There is no emotion in his voice.

‘No! No, I’d never do that,’ he pleads. He pleads with Obi-Wan, with the Force. To please wake up from this nightmare, to make Obi-Wan stop looking at him like this. Like his sadness is more infinite than the universe, like Anakin himself is the cause of that. Why would the Force show him this? How could it be so cruel?

‘I did what I had to do, Anakin,’ Obi-Wan continued. ‘You were a Sith lord. You were no longer Anakin.’

‘I couldn’t have been,’ he whispers, hiding his hands in his hands. ‘I couldn’t.’

* * *

Seeing Anakin in such distress makes Obi-Wan want to reach out and comfort him, but he’s not so sure what to do now. More and more has he started to realize that this might not be a vision after all. It feels so real. Anakin feels so real.

‘Master?’ Anakin says, his voice ready to break, tears straining his face. ‘Please tell me you’re lying.’

He shakes his head slowly. He’d give anything to be able to tell him that and not lie to him. To comfort him. There is no comfort left, for either of them. The world turned cold months ago. The world turned cold when he saw the security holograms. When he saw Anakin choking his wife. When he saw him burned alive.

‘Prove it to me,’ Anakin demands. ‘I can’t believe you.’

‘Are you sure?’

He nods quietly. The crying has stopped now, but his expression is grim. Obi-Wan can’t blame him. it must be terrible to hear. It’s more terrible to live.

‘Okay. Come, meditate with me. I’ll show you.’

Anakin doesn’t protest, follows him and sits down crossed-legged next to him. Their legs are so close to each other, and yet not touching. Obi-Wan wonders why he trusts this man still – so much, he’d let him in his head any second. Even if he’s seen what he can be.

They close their eyes at the same time, sit until their breath is in sync, until they’re ready to reach out. Obi-Wan can feel Anakin like he remembers him: bright like the sun, blinding, almost. There have been days where Obi-Wan wondered how he could live with such brightness inside. Sometimes he wished to feel how Anakin feels, just so how he can understand. He’s never been very good at understanding him.

Shield after shield drops and carefully he reaches out, invites Anakin in. The presence of him is not unnerving. It’d had never been before, but Obi-Wan had plenty of reasons to think it’d different this time. It’s not.

‘Ready?’

‘Yes.’

_A platform. Anakin smiling at him. Obi-Wan is leaving._

_A security hologram that makes his stomach turn._

_A fight on a planet made of fire, of pain, at the end of all things._

_Anakin is burning alive. Obi-Wan feels like he’s burning with him._

When Obi-Wan opens his eyes again, his cheeks are wet from tears. It doesn’t matter though. All that matters is Anakin’s reaction.

‘So it’s true,’ he says. ‘I did that. That was me.’

‘Yes.’

‘But I don’t _understand_ ,’ he continues. ‘I’d never…’ And then he stops. ‘Padmé was pregnant.’

‘Yes.’

‘Then,’ he starts. ‘Then I killed my child.’ His eyes widen in panic. ‘Obi-Wan, is that true? Did I kill my _child_?’

Obi-Wan stops for a minute. He never showed Anakin what happened after… after Mustafar. Some instinct wanted to keep Luke safe. But Anakin, this Anakin, not Darth Vader, is begging him to please not tell him he killed his child.

‘No.’

He sighs in relief. ‘Where is my child?’

‘I should not tell you this.’

‘Please, Obi-Wan,’ he says. ‘Please.’

Obi-Wan looks at him. He’s nothing like Darth Vader and still he is. Whatever drove him to the dark side, it could happen again.

‘Anakin, I don’t understand what happened. Not when you fell, and not when you knocked on my door. I don’t understand how you’re standing before me. And I must understand before I can tell you. Before I can trust you.’

‘You don’t trust me?’

‘I don’t know,’ Obi-Wan simply replies. He’s let this man into his mind, trusted him enough to do such a thing – such an intimate thing. His heart is longing to trust him again, no, his heart has started trusting him again, because this is _Anakin_ , but his mind is trying to tell him he should be careful.

‘Please,’ Anakin begs. ‘Tell me. My child. Is it safe?’

Obi-Wan closes his eyes and then replies: ‘Yes.’

Anakin breathes in relief. ‘Okay. Okay.’

* * *

It breaks Anakin’s heart to realize Obi-Wan doesn’t trust him, but what’s worse, so much worse, is what he showed him. It was like watching his own face on a stranger, even if deep down he knows it was truly him. He felt as sickened as Obi-Wan had. As he still must feel.

And in this place, this vision, this had really happened. Here he’s dead – and here Padmé is dead, but they have a child, somewhere. Obi-Wan never showed him where, but he knows. Of course he knows.

What happened? Whatever happened that made him like that? All Obi-Wan seems to know is that Palpatine had something to do with it. Palpatine is a Sith. Palpatine, the man he has trusted for years, had manipulated him, turned him into _that._ Turned the galaxy into his own empire.

The empire that must exist right now, in this thing he thought was a vision. It might be more than a vision. It might be reality. And if it is, what happened? Did he travel in time during the crash?

‘Are we in danger?’ Anakin asks.

‘From the empire?’ Obi-Wan replies. ‘Yes. We are.’ He sighs. ‘I am. I don’t know about you. You’re not supposed to exist.’

Anakin thinks for a minute. ‘What do you think happened?’

‘Why you’re here?’ Obi-Wan asks.

‘Yes.’

‘I’m not sure,’ Obi-Wan replies, rubbing his temples. ‘But I think, however impossible it might seem, you might have travelled in time.’

Anakin nods. ‘Yes, I’ve thought about that too.’ He pauses for a second to think. ‘This feels too real to be a vision.’

‘The Force must have its reasons,’ Obi-Wan says, thinking out loud. ‘But if we were meant to fix everything, why not send me back in time?’

Anakin is quiet for a bit. ‘I don’t know.’

Obi-Wan doesn’t reply for a while, staring off into the distance and then resting his eyes on him. It’s not entirely uncomfortable to have Obi-Wan look at him like this. At least he’s looking at him. Back… back on Coruscant he avoided him as much as he could after Anakin confessed his feelings to him. It went terrible and he should never ever done it. He regretted it the moment it was over.

_‘You wanted to speak to me?’ Obi-Wan asks as Anakin walks into his chambers._

_His heart is racing, but he swallows and nods. Padmé’s encouraging words are still in the back of his mind, but she’s not here right now. This is for him to confess._

_‘What did you want to talk about?’ he asks, his voice sounding kind and soft. This is Obi-Wan, he reminds himself. He can do this._

_‘There is something… I must tell you.’ Anakin says, sitting down on Obi-Wan’s bed._

_‘Then tell me.’_

_‘Okay.’ Anakin takes a deep breath and looks into Obi-Wan’s bright eyes. He looks so concerned for him. ‘It’s…’ Kriff, he can’t do this. He must. ‘I’m… I’m in love with you.’_

_Obi-Wan stops and stares him for a few seconds, only to look away immediately after. Those seconds are the longest of his life. And then, finally, an answer:_

_‘Oh, Anakin…’ he says, his voice filled with pity. Anakin’s heart sinks and in a split second he knows Obi-Wan doesn’t return his feelings. ‘I’m so sorry.’_

_‘I understand,’ he says, utterly defeated, trying to stop the tears from falling. He quickly wipes his eyes dry, hoping Obi-Wan won’t see, but he does. ‘I’ll… I’ll just go then.’_

_‘That’d be for the best.’_

_The door closes and Anakin’s heart feels emptier than ever._

‘I have missed you,’ Obi-Wan says, out of nowhere. ‘I feel like it’s been years since I last saw you.’

‘I’m here now,’ Anakin replies, colder than he meant to. The moment where Obi-Wan rejected is fresh in his memory. Much fresher than it is for Obi-Wan, probably.

‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I am glad.’

* * *

Obi-Wan has spent so much time wishing for Anakin to come back, but now he’s here, he’s not so sure what to say. They’re both hurt, he knows, and the question who’s hurt the most doesn’t even matter now.

‘Do you want to take a shower?’ Obi-Wan asks, in an attempt to break the awkward silence. ‘It’s down past the kitchen. You’re still covered in sand.’

‘Yeah,’ Anakin grumbles. ‘It gets everywhere.’

Obi-Wan smiles kindly. ‘Go. I’ll make us dinner. Do you like snake?’

Anakin blinks. ‘No.’

‘There’s nothing else.’

He nods. ‘Yeah, I understand. Still better than ration bars, I suppose.’

Obi-Wan smiles, but Anakin does not smile back. He looks sad. There are a thousand reasons to feel sad, he knows, but he doesn’t want to feel that right now. He has Anakin back. The Force has granted his wish and now that he has what he wished for, he doesn’t know what to do with it.

Except making snake.

‘There is still sand in my clothes,’ Anakin complains as he gets out of the refresher.

‘I know,’ Obi-Wan replies absent-mindedly. ‘It gets everywhere.’

‘Yes.’

‘I’ve figured that out too. Now, sit down and eat your snake.’

Anakin chuckles. ‘Okay, master.’

He has missed him so much.

* * *

Snake is terrible, Anakin learns quickly. Even in his childhood he’d never had this before, and he’s had some stuff. Obi-Wan had never been a fantastic cook, but back in the temple, back when he was young, he’d always managed to make him something decent.

‘I wish I had something better,’ Obi-Wan says, having apparently noticed Anakin’s distaste for the food. ‘I wish… I wish things could have been different.’

‘They can still be,’ Anakin replies quickly. ‘If the Force send me here, it must be because things can still be changed.’ Anakin puts down the snake meat. ‘Listen, if I know one thing, it’s that I don’t want to be a Sith. I don’t want to be that person. So I can change that – we can change that. Right?’

‘You might, yes,’ Obi-Wan replies. ‘But not as long as you’re stuck here. You must get back. Change the past with what you know now.’

Anakin nods, his thoughts racing. ‘Yes. If I change the past, this all doesn’t happen.’ He looks up and realizes something. ‘Then you, this version of you won’t exist.’

Obi-Wan smiles sadly. ‘I’m okay with that. I never wanted this version of me to exist anyway. And maybe,’ he looks away, ‘maybe I never should have existed at all.’

‘No!’ Anakin exclaims. ‘No, of course not.’

Obi-Wan is still smiling and Anakin realizes he’s seen that smile before. Too many times. ‘Without me,’ he says, ‘you might not have fallen. If Qui-Gon would have taught you, you might have been a better Jedi. I sometimes feel like I should have died on Naboo that day.’

‘You shouldn’t have,’ Anakin says, pouring all his love for the man that’s sitting across from him in his words. ‘I’d never have wanted you to.’

‘You wouldn’t have said that back then.’

‘I’m saying it now.’

Quiet. Obi-Wan doesn’t reply, chews on his snake, and then it’s Anakin that speak first.

‘What you said… on Mustafar, in the memory you showed me.’ Obi-Wan doesn’t reply. ‘You said you loved me. Is that true? Did you love me?’

It takes a while for him to answer, but Anakin knows before he does. ‘Yes. I did love you. I do love you.’

‘But not like that, do you?’

Obi-Wan closes his eyes, looks down and replies: ‘it was a few weeks before the mission to Arkanis, right? When you told me?’

He doesn’t have to say it out loud, they both know what he means. ‘Yes. Three weeks.’

‘I’m sorry, Anakin.’

‘That’s what you said then.’ 

‘I know,’ Obi-Wan says. ‘I didn’t want to push you away, and I still did. I thought I was doing the right thing for the both of us, but obviously it wasn’t.’

‘No,’ Anakin says, coolly. ‘It wasn’t.’

‘I did love you, Anakin,’ Obi-Wan says, sadly. ‘I do.’

‘But not like that?’ he asks again.

‘Anakin, you are my padawan. How could I?’ he asks. ‘How can I?’

‘I _was_ your padawan!’ Anakin protests. ‘Not anymore.’

‘You must understand..’

‘I don’t understand!’ Anakin exclaims. ‘Explain it to me.’

Obi-Wan’s sad smile is back. ‘I can’t, Anakin. You have to let this go.’


	3. Chapter 3

‘No,’ Anakin says, ‘I won’t let this go. Tell me, Obi-Wan.’ It’s both a plea and a demand. ‘Tell me what you feel for me.’

Hasn’t he learned by now, Obi-Wan wonders. All those regrets, all those hours spend going over that moment over and over again, wishing Anakin would just be here, so he’d make it _right_. He wouldn’t push him away, so he’d come to him.

‘I don’t know.’

‘How can you _not know_?’ Anakin yells. ‘How can you tell me you love me and still not know how you feel?’

‘Anakin!’ he warns. ‘Don’t talk to me like that. Don’t yell at me.’ _It scares me._

‘Don’t treat me like a child,’ Anakin replies, standing up from his chair. ‘I’m not a child. I’m not your padawan anymore. I thought you knew that.’

‘I do know that,’ Obi-Wan says, keeping his calm.

‘Then _tell me!_ ’

‘All I can tell you is that I missed you like I never thought I could miss anyone. That I’d give anything to have you come back to me. All I know is that I’m whole now you’ve come back to me. All I know is that I love you.’

Obi-Wan tries to make his words seem soothing and sure, but they’re not, he’s searching, losing his way halfway through his sentences, not understanding himself or Anakin or this world he’s found himself in.

‘I love you too.’ Anakin finally calms down and sits back down. ‘I love you too.’

It’s quiet again, the words so long unspoken between the two men now hanging in the air. He knows what Anakin wants to know, knows what he wants to hear. He’s seen how Anakin stares at his lips sometimes. He saw it then and he’s seeing it now. Obi-Wan can’t give him that. He doesn’t want to break Anakin’s heart, doesn’t want to push him away now that he has him back again. But he cannot humor him just because he missed him, just because the Force brought them here. No. That would be wrong.

‘Why are you here?’ Anakin asks. ‘You can’t expect me to believe you’re here because you want to.’

‘On Tatooine?’ Obi-Wan asks.

‘Yes.’

He thinks for a moment before answering. Can he tell Anakin about Luke? About his son he delivered here, into the arms of his stepbrother’s wife? The son Anakin nearly killed? No. He’d do anything for Luke, even lying to his father. Lying to Anakin for Anakin’s sake. It wouldn’t be the first time, would it?

‘I’m here to run from the empire.’

‘So you gave up?’ Anakin asks, sounding almost surprised. ‘You’re hiding here for the rest of your life. On _Tatooine_? Of all the planets you could have chosen to live out your days, why ever choose this one?’ He pauses. ‘Is there a resistance here?’

‘No,’ Obi-Wan replies truthfully. ‘I’ve learned to wait.’

‘Wait?’ Anakin exclaims. ‘Wait, for what? If the empire is as bad as you showed me – as you told me, then I cannot believe you’re only waiting. The Obi-Wan I know would be fighting on the front lines. Have you changed so much?’

Obi-Wan looks away. It pains him to be unable to tell Anakin about Luke. About the new hope for the galaxy. About his _son._ He has resigned himself to waiting, to watching. To be Luke’s silent guardian, to fade away in the shadows until he’s not more than a crazy old man. But now Anakin is here and it’s suddenly like the Force has given him another assignment. But what it is, he’s not sure. He needs, more than anything, guidance.

‘I can’t explain it to you, Anakin.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because… Because I thought I knew what to do, what the Force was asking of me, but now you’re back and I am lost.’

Anakin doesn’t reply.

‘I need to meditate.’ Obi-Wan takes his plate and Anakin’s too – he didn’t eat all of his snake. It doesn’t matter.

‘What do I do?’ Anakin protests.

Obi-Wan shrugs. ‘Wait.’

* * *

Anakin looks at Obi-Wan as he sits down crossed legged on the floor. Back at the temple there were meditation cushions. They’d been so soft and there were many times Anakin had fallen asleep on one of them. Yoda never noticed, but Obi-Wan did. He’d always gently wake him up as soon as he fell asleep. Anakin never understood how his master could sit still for so long, but one day he reassured him he once had a hard time staying awake himself too. It was one of the rare glances he got into the human Obi-Wan Kenobi is. Times he’s not being the perfect Jedi. Sometimes Anakin wondered if he even feels – if he’s more than meditation and rules and self-sacrifice. But those glances keep making him believe.

Most of the time those glances reveal sadness though. But Obi-Wan loves him, he said. He does love him. Just not in the way Anakin loves him.

Maybe he should join him in meditation. Anakin briefly considers it, but he already knows he can’t even get his mind to be quiet. He’s given up on that a long time ago. Obi-Wan had never understood how exactly he feels, how much he feels _all the time_. Sure, he’s probably more Force sensitive than most Jedi, but he has no idea what’s it’s like to be the Chosen One. To feel everything so much, all at once and then nothing at all. How it feels like to burn with passion, or love or anger. How it feels like everything is too loud or too bright in the Force – too much. There is so little safety in his world. So little security, so little friends. And now Ahsoka is gone and he ruined everything with Obi-Wan and now, here, he can’t even be with Padmé.

His eyes dart off to Obi-Wan meditating. It’s not the first time he studies the man in this state, but today he seems different. He’s frowning, twitching. The relaxed look Anakin normally finds when he’s meditating seems miles away.

He’s a different kind of beautiful right now. Not the serene beauty he knows back from the Jedi temple, those rare moments he finds Obi-Wan truly calm, when the sun is falling through his auburn hair, his chest is slowly rising and falling and Anakin can only be in awe of him. No, he’s struggling now, his meditation looks like a battle fought inside of his mind, a losing battle at that. He’s frustrated. He’s never seen Obi-Wan frustrated in meditation before.

His lips form words he cannot hear or understand and he wonders who he could be talking to. To himself? Is that his new way of trying to find answers?

Anakin realizes he doesn’t really know _this_ Obi-Wan. He’s felt some of his pain, seen what happened to him, but he’ll never quite able to grasp what he truly must be feeling. He feels both closer to him and so much further away. There is no war here, only the two of them and their feelings and their words and their regrets. But back – back home he and Obi-Wan are still a team. Right? Even after what happened when he confessed his feelings, they’re still a team.

They had been out of balance though. Obi-Wan never would have broken his ribs if they hadn’t been. Maybe Dooku wouldn’t have gotten away either. Maybe none of this would have happened if Anakin hadn’t confessed his feelings. He’d never have even been here. He doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

* * *

_Qui-Gon,_ Obi-Wan begs wordlessly, _please answer me. I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost. Anakin is back, he’s here. He travelled in time. Did you have anything to do with that?_

No reply.

_Please. What must I do? What must I do to make it right?_

The Force moves around him like it always does, but it does not calm him or ground him in any way. Instead, he grows increasingly frustrated with it.

_Why won’t you talk to me, Qui-Gon?_

_Obi-Wan…_

Obi-Wan heart skips a beat. It’s Qui-Gon’s voice. He hasn’t heard his voice in so long. Not since Mortis.

_Qui-Gon?_

He makes sure not to speak out loud, but he can’t stop his lips from moving. There’s a part of him that’s telling him he could be imagining things, but he can _feel_ him. His presence feels exactly the same as all those years ago, when he was still his padawan.

_Yes, Obi-Wan, I’m here._

_You’re_ here _. You’re finally here. Qui-Gon, what happened? How can Anakin be here?_

_He’s here because only the two of you can change the past._

_But why am I not in the past then?_

_Because there is something you both need to learn. Something only these versions of who you are now can figure out._

_Then what is it? What do I have to do?_

_I can’t tell you, Obi-Wan._

Obi-Wan can feel frustration and anger coming up, but he suppresses the feelings by simply breathing.

_If you can’t tell me, why even talk to me?_

_Because you must know, I’ll still be there for you, Obi-Wan. Remember my teachings, and find your own path._

And then the presence is gone. _Find your own path_? What is that supposed to mean? Why is Qui-Gon being so vague? He promised to be there for him, but he never was, and he isn’t now.

No. He shouldn’t think like this. He should be focusing on the here and now. On Anakin. He opens his eyes and finds Anakin’s eyes on him. He looks away as soon as he realizes that he’s opened his eyes, but Obi-Wan has seen it. He’s seen that look on his face many times before, but he never understood it before Anakin’s confession. Now, whenever he sees it, he’s stricken by guilt.

‘Did it help?’ Anakin asks.

‘Not really,’ Obi-Wan replies as he gets up. ‘I talked to Qui-Gon though for the first time, but I think -’

‘You talked to _Qui-Gon_?’ Anakin asks. ‘How did you talk to Qui-Gon? He is dead.’ He pauses for a second. ‘He is dead, right? In this timeline too?’

‘Yes.’ Obi-Wan fears he has given away too much, but well, what could Anakin do with this information?

‘Then how?’

‘He has found a way to preserve himself in the Force,’ Obi-Wan explains. ‘I’m not sure how it works myself yet.’

‘Yet?’ Anakin asks, stunned.

‘That’s a story for later.’ Obi-Wan wants to lead him away from this subject. ‘He was not very helpful however. He only told me there is something we need to learn, and that I need to find my own path.’

‘He’s more vague than master Yoda.’

Obi-Wan nods. ‘I agree with you this time.’

‘So what do you think we should do?’

Obi-Wan sighs. ‘I don’t know. I suppose all we can do is wait and find out what it is we’re supposed to learn, what path we’re supposed to take.’

Anakin throws his hands up in frustration. ‘Well, how are we supposed to figure that out? Can’t the Force give us some kind of hint?’

‘Patience, Anakin.’

Anakin rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. ‘That’s what you always say. Patience, Anakin, don’t be reckless, Anakin, don’t lose your lightsaber. All you do is criticize.’

‘Well, in my defense, you shouldn’t be losing your lightsaber.’

‘Like you never did.’

‘I worry about you, Anakin,’ Obi-Wan protests. ‘You’re going to get yourself killed some –’ His heart drops. Somehow he forgot, but in this timeline he is already dead. Not by the clone wars, no, not by battle droids or separatist generals or Dooku, but by his own hand. ‘Anakin, I am....’

‘Leave it,’ he bites. ‘I’ll never be good enough for you, will I?’

* * *

‘Anakin…’ Obi-Wan starts, but Anakin knows this tone of voice and he is not having it today. After all he’s gone through today all he gets is criticism and vagueness and Obi-Wan tells him nothing. How are they supposed to fix anything? He loves him, he does, but all he can see right now when he looks into Obi-Wan’s eyes is rejection.

‘I _died_ here,’ Anakin says. He’d stomped out of the door if only outside wasn’t full of desert. ‘And I don’t know how I fell, and I don’t know anything. You won’t tell me _anything_ , Obi-Wan. And I’m scared, but all you tell me when I’m scared is to _let go.’_

Obi-Wan doesn’t reply for a while and they just stare at each other. Anakin can only look at him. He doesn’t know what to do, why he’s here or why the man he saw in the vision is _him._ But all he knows is that he’s scared and needs answers.

‘Okay,’ Obi-Wan says, relaxing and finally giving in. He invites Anakin to sit down again and sits across from him. ‘I’ll tell you everything.’

‘Everything?’

‘Yes,’ Obi-Wan says. ‘All I know.’

‘Tell me,’ Anakin says, taking a deep breath. He isn’t sure if he’s ready to hear this – the memories Obi-Wan showed him are still burning in his mind, eating him alive. But not knowing is worse.

‘Believe me if I say I don’t know exactly how you fell,’ Obi-Wan says, and when Anakin looks at him, he knows he is telling the truth. ‘I know you had been frustrated with the Jedi for a long time. It started when Ahsoka left. Then, Palpatine asked you to be his representative on the council. They accepted, but refused to give you the title of master. After that, I –’ Obi-Wan stops for a second. ‘I had to ask you to spy on Palpatine for us. You did not take it well. But I thought… I thought we were fine for a while and then I went off to fight Grievous only to be shot by my own men and find the Jedi temple burning. When I saw you again, you were somebody else.’

Anakin nods. He’s seen it, but somehow Obi-Wan’s recollection hurts more. He can see how hard he’s trying not to let his sorrow and confusion get to him, but he’s failing.

‘What happened –’ Anakin sighs. ‘What happened after Mustafar?’

‘Padmé died giving birth,’ Obi-Wan looks away. ‘But you must know one thing. She did not have one child. She was carrying twins.’

‘Twins,’ Anakin repeats. ‘I have twins?’

‘Yes.’

‘Obi-Wan,’ he begs. ‘Please tell me. Where are they?’

Obi-Wan doesn’t reply for almost a minute and Anakin does not pry. Then, finally, he says: ‘Leia, your daughter, is on Alderaan. She has been adopted by Bail and Breha Organa and she’s growing up safely and loved.’

‘And my other child?’

‘Luke is here. On Tatooine.’

Anakin wants to stand up, run out and _find his son,_ right now. And immediately after, fly to Alderaan and take Leia. Because they are _his,_ they are his children and they belong only with him.

‘Why is he here? Where is he?’ Anakin looks around, trying to find a place Obi-Wan could have hidden a baby, but there seems to be none. ‘Is he with you?’

‘Not exactly,’ Obi-Wan replies. ‘He’s with his family. With your stepbrother, Owen.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anakin is such a dumbass


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Such yearning. Many longing. Relatable shit.

‘With Owen?’ Anakin asks in disbelief. ‘No. Why?’

‘Because he’s all the family he’s got left,’ Obi-Wan replies. ‘I wanted him to have a normal childhood, even if it is a hard one. I wanted to give him something we never had.’

‘No,’ Anakin exclaims. ‘He had you! _You_ could have taken him.’

And in that moment Obi-Wan realizes something incredibly important: Anakin considers him family. And that shakes him. He’s never realized it before, but Anakin says it like he should have. Like he should have known.

‘I couldn’t, Anakin,’ he says, carefully choosing his words. ‘I’d get him into danger.’

‘But you’re here!’ Anakin protests. ‘If the empire finds you, they find Luke.’

‘No.’ Obi-Wan smiles sadly. ‘The emperor thinks your children died with Padmé. They wouldn’t even be looking for him.’

Anakin doesn’t reply.

‘I couldn’t take him, Anakin, you must understand.’

‘You should have,’ he says, quietly. ‘He would have had you. I’d want nobody else to raise my children.’

Obi-Wan swallows to stop the tears from coming. Anakin wanted him to raise his children. Anakin trusts him this much, not just to lay his own life into his hands, but that of his children too.

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispers, not knowing what else to say. ‘I’ve only ever wanted to do what’s right – even if I wanted to take them. I would have, Anakin.’ He blinks, but it’s too late. There’s a tear falling down his cheek. Quickly he wipes it away, but not fast enough. Anakin has seen it.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry,’ he says in disbelief. ‘I didn’t think you even could.’

‘I’m human, Anakin.’

Anakin doesn’t reply, looks away like he wants to say something, but also doesn’t. He can be so _frustrating_ sometimes. Even after thirteen years, he’s still not sure how to deal with him. And now, now he’s back after it being impossible for him to be back, all they do is argue. All there is angry glares and painful revelations and questions, so much question. Was it always like this?

‘Can we not be like this?’ Obi-Wan asks, not angry, saddened instead. ‘Can we talk?’

‘We are talking.’

‘Really talk.’ He’s been spending two months thinking about what he’d say to Anakin if he’d be here, and now he is and words fail him. All his words can seem to do is destroy, break down what he so carefully tried to build. Is it his mouth that always seems to say the wrong things or is it Anakin’s ears that always hears them? And does that even matter in the end?

‘What do you want to say?’ Anakin asks, his voice cold. ‘Sorry, Anakin? I love you, Anakin, but I only say that after I dismember you and leave you to die or when you literally died and still magically here, and I’m only saying it out of guilt?’

‘I meant it, Anakin,’ he says.

‘Then why did you never say?’

‘Because I couldn’t! Because when you told me you were in love with me, I panicked.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘That’s why.’

It’s the first time he directly references it. After Anakin made his confession and Obi-Wan had shot him down, they just never talked about it again. Somehow Obi-Wan hoped it’d been just an infatuation, that it’d go away if they just never acknowledged it again. Obviously it didn’t. He knew. He saw it in the way Anakin kept looking at him when he thought he wasn’t looking. Longing.

Anakin is not going to let this go.

‘Because you didn’t feel that way,’ Anakin replies, matter-of-factly.

‘Yes.’

‘Okay.’ It’s not okay. It’s obviously not okay.

‘Anakin, can I ask you one thing?’

He replies with a hesitant nod. ‘Go ahead.’

‘What did Padmé say? Did she know about… about how you felt about me?’ He pauses for a second to look at Anakin. ‘I know you two were involved. I knew back then too.’

‘I talked to her,’ he replies. ‘She was okay with it.’

Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow. ‘Really?’

‘Yes, Obi-Wan. Really.’

* * *

It’s quiet. Anakin hates how they’re looking at each other, many of their frustrations outed now, but instead of feeling lighter, he’s feeling heavier. It’s just so frustrating. It’s like they are more different than ever, like they’re from different world. From different times.

They _are_.

‘Maybe we should talk about this tomorrow,’ Obi-Wan suggests. ‘I suppose we’re both pretty tired.’

‘Yes,’ Anakin says, feeling his sudden anger pass. ‘I suppose there is not much to talk about anyway. I should let it go.’ _Like a good Jedi_ , he adds in his mind.

No matter how much Anakin wishes he’d say _stop, no, we do have something to talk about, I do love you back_ , all he gets is a smile from Obi-Wan and a: ‘I’m glad you feel that way.’

Anakin nods, now feeling numb for the first time that day. ‘Yes.’

‘I’m going to use the refresher,’ Obi-Wan says. ‘I’ll be right back. You can take the bed, and I’ll sleep on the ground.’

‘On the ground?’ he repeats. ‘On Tatooine?’ He cannot sleep on the ground _here_? Does he know how cold it gets? Does he know how dangerous that is?

‘I’ll be fine, Anakin,’ Obi-Wan protests.

‘No, you’ll not be. You always do this!’

Obi-Wan doesn’t deny it. ‘I’m not letting you sleep on the ground.’

‘I’m not going to. We can share that bed.’

Obi-Wan looks at it and looks back at Anakin. ‘It’s pretty obviously made for one person.’

‘So what?’ Anakin shrugs. ‘Like this would be the first time.’

‘That was a very long time ago, Anakin.’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ he replies, feeling that familiar irritation with Obi-Wan coming up again. ‘I don’t want you to die and I don’t really feel like freezing to death myself either. So what it’s going to be?’

It takes a little too long for Anakin’s liking for Obi-Wan to give in. Would Obi-Wan genuinely consider freezing to death over being close to him?

‘Okay. Do you need to borrow something for the night?’

‘Sure.’

‘I’ll get you something. I’ll be right back.’

Anakin nods. He can just feel Obi-Wan’s discontent about the whole situation and he hates it. There is this voice in his head telling him Obi-Wan doesn’t want him and never wanted him. Not even as his friend, not even as his padawan. And isn’t it true? Qui-Gon wanted him, but Obi-Wan just fulfilled that promise he gave his dying master. Was Anakin ever more than an obligation to him?

Obi-Wan comes out with some loose-fitting nightclothes in the shade of beige Anakin has come to associate with him. Does he even have clothes in another color?

Before he can even take off his boots, Obi-Wan has already disappeared into the bathroom. So this is how it’s going to be. Fine.

He comes back about ten minutes later. Anakin has been waiting patiently with his borrowed clothes on. They’re neatly covering up almost every part of naked skin, and Anakin can’t help but wonder if Obi-Wan chose it for that reason or if he just has no other things. He’s wearing a very similar outfit himself.

‘It’s a little small, isn’t it?’ Obi-Wan asks, looking at his outfit. 

‘You’re small,’ Anakin simply replies.

‘I’m not!’ Obi-Wan protests, getting a slight smile out of Anakin.

‘You are.’

Obi-Wan shakes his head smiling and Anakin’s smile grows wider. He lies down and scoots over for Obi-Wan to lie down next to him. Even if he tries, there is no way to lie down and not touch each other. The fabric of Obi-Wan’s clothes is rough, but feeling the warmth radiating from his body makes up for that. Just Obi-Wan’s presence next to him is comforting, even if Anakin knows very well he doesn’t want him here. He still smells like Obi-Wan, even if it’s tainted by Tatooine. When Anakin closes his eyes, he can’t help but do so smiling.

* * *

Anakin is so close. He is so close Obi-Wan can hear his every breath, feel his body heat and even his curls tickling his exposed skin. He can’t sleep like this, so he stares at Anakin’s back. At least he doesn’t have to face him now. He wouldn’t know how to do that.

He doesn’t understand what happened. He doesn’t understand why Anakin is here, he doesn’t understand what he is to do. He can’t sleep with these questions on his mind, unlike Anakin.

Obi-Wan can already hear him snoring softly. How can he just sleep? It’s adorable, really, Anakin’s snoring. He’s heard it so many times before and he’s always sort of liked it. It meant his padawan had some peace. Later, after Anakin was knighted, his sleep became so much more restless. First of all there were the nightmares, ones he never really talked about, and then the war and then he lost him somewhere. Worst of all, he knows exactly where he lost him. He should have chosen his words more carefully, maybe, but nothing could have made the blow of rejection less painful.

Is that what led him to the dark side? Was it the frustration with the council he showed before? Had it just been a grab for power in the end? Had he just been blind to Anakin’s flaws all the time? How could he have been, as the person who might have known him best of all?

What could have ever convinced the good man he knew to join the dark?

Still the memory of Darth Vader exists when he closes his eyes, the monster wearing Anakin’s face, speaking with Anakin’s voice. He even felt like Anakin, in a twisted, dark way. But he could not have been Anakin. Master Yoda told him Anakin died, was killed by Darth Vader. He didn’t want to believe and still he did. He does. He does want to believe Anakin could have never killed innocent children. And yet, he saw it, undoubtedly. That moment was worse than any other. Worse than seeing all those familiar faces dead on the ground, worse than finding small bodies, worse than thinking Anakin had died. _Force_ , he had thought, _if he’s dead, why have you not taken me too?_

When he went into those security holos searching for Anakin, he expected him to have died there bravely defending the weak. He expected him to have died by the hand of the fallen Jedi, because Obi-Wan knew nothing but a great adversary could have killed him. Instead there he was, his saber slashing through the younglings they’d once seen practicing, running, laughing. Like they were not even sentient. His expression showed no remorse, no pain. There was something else, something Obi-Wan didn’t dare admit to have seen: determination. Like it just had to happen. Even the memory makes him sick to the stomach and makes him want to move away from the man next to him. If only he could.

This Anakin has not fallen yet. This Anakin never killed children. This Anakin never looked at him with only bloodlust. He cannot judge him for crimes he has not committed. It’s not fair and yet he cannot help but make a mess of things.

_Is this a second chance?_

There is no reply. Not from Qui-Gon or from the Force itself. He didn’t expect so. But now, finally he drifts into sleep.

* * *

_Screaming. The face of his beautiful wife in pain, calling out for him, desperately. She is in_ pain _. She is in pain and he needs to be there for her. He needs to save her!_

‘Anakin?’ Obi-Wan’s voice. How is he here, with Padmé, and...? ‘Anakin, wake up.’

Anakin’s eyes shoot open. Where is he? Why is Obi-Wan here? Then he remembers what happened the day before. How he’s on Tatooine in the future. In Obi-Wan’s present. He remembers what Obi-Wan showed him: how he chocked Padmé into unconsciousness. He remembers Obi-Wan telling him she died in childbirth later. Is that what he saw here, in his dream?

‘You had a nightmare.’

Anakin nods, slowly coming back to reality. ‘Yes. It was about Padmé.’

‘About what I told you?’ Obi-Wan asks, his voice soft.

Anakin nods. ‘I can’t believe she’s really dead,’ he whispers, sitting up in the dark. ‘I can’t believe it’s my fault.’

‘It doesn’t have to be like that.’

Anakin sighs. ‘It’s not like I magically got transported back to the past, did I?’

Obi-Wan holds his arm. That’s new. It feels good. ‘No. You didn’t.’

‘I will prevent it this time,’ Anakin says, determined. ‘I’ll not let her die again.’

‘I know you won’t,’ he whispers. ‘Go back to sleep now, okay?’

Anakin nods and lies down again. ‘Obi-Wan?’ he whispers.

‘Yes?’

‘How am I going to get back?’

‘We’ll figure it out, Anakin. Tomorrow. Okay?’

‘Yeah,’ he whispers back. ‘Tomorrow.’

No matter how much Anakin tries to get to sleep, he can’t. He can see Padmé’s face in pain every time he closes his eyes and it’s torture. All he knows is he should stop this future, or this _past_ , from happening, but he doesn’t know how. He knows the Force won’t speak to Obi-Wan, but it frustrates him even more that the Force won’t talk to him either. Isn’t he the Chosen One? Wasn’t he _born_ of the Force? Why won’t it give him a sign?

He must stop this. He’ll do anything to stop this. He’d die for her. How could his future version ever have hurt her? Does he not know she is everything? All he loves and all he’ll ever love this much?

 _But that’s not true_ , he knows it as he’s thinking it. There’s not just her. There’s Obi-Wan too. The man next to him, so close to him. Sharing a bed. Sharing a blanket. Sharing a life. They’ve been sharing a life for so long, Anakin wouldn’t even know what it’d be like to live without him. But still, they fought, when he thought he’d never be able to fight him.

He can feel Obi-Wan lying behind him, his face pressed into his neck. Anakin longs to pull him even closer, longs for a situation where they could be like this because they wanted to, not just because the situation forced them into this. But the Force has probably not send them here to cuddle.


	5. Chapter 5

When they wake up, neither of them had had enough sleep. Anakin yawns and stretches, his entire body stiff. Obi-Wan, however, seems to be in an even worse state. He lets out a painful groan when he gets up, slower than Anakin is used to.

‘Are you okay?’ he asks worried.

‘My back hurts,’ Obi-Wan grumbles. ‘It’s not like there are many places to take a hot bath here.’

‘Like I don’t know.’

It feels strange to bond over the awfulness of Tatooine, but it’s much better than the constant arguing they’d taken up yesterday. Anakin smiles at him, as he slowly straightens his back.

‘You’re getting old.’

‘I’m a war veteran.’

Anakin is quiet for a while. ‘I suppose you are.’

‘The clone wars are over,’ Obi-Wan explains. ‘But that doesn’t mean the galaxy is at peace. There are many rebellions working, hidden from the empire. But for me the war is over.’

Anakin can’t help but feel bad for him for a second. There’s so much sadness in his voice, and yet, something else. Acceptance.

‘Have you just accepted this fate?’ he asks, not angry this time, but curious.

‘I haven’t. As I told you, there are many rebellions operating. I’m just not involved with them.’

‘No,’ Anakin says, searching for the right words, lest they end up discussing the same things over and over again. Again. ‘I mean, your fate. Have you ever thought you might deserve something else than this? Something better?’

Obi-Wan looks at him like that was the last thing he’d ever think about. ‘No.’

‘Why not?’ Anakin asks. ‘You were a war hero! You fought for the Republic for years. Don’t you think you at least deserve… not to be alone?’

Obi-Wan smiles sadly. ‘I fought in a war that, in the end, didn’t even matter. I killed and I destroyed and all for nothing. And I failed you, Anakin.’ He looks up to face him. ‘Most importantly, I failed you.’

‘You didn’t fail me,’ Anakin protests. _Anything to chase away that awful sorrow in his eyes_. Does Obi-Wan know what he means to him?

‘You don’t know that, Anakin,’ Obi-Wan replies. That same, tired, sorrowful tone. ‘Neither of us know what happened exactly.’

‘I know you didn’t.’

‘You hated me!’ Obi-Wan exclaims. ‘And I may not understand why, but you must have had your reasons.’

Anakin doesn’t reply. He has no idea what to say.

‘I’ll make us breakfast,’ Obi-Wan says, after a long silence, moving into the kitchen area.

‘More snake?’ 

‘I sure hope not. There is some bread left, but we’ll have to go into town today.’

Anakin nods. ‘You have credits here?’

‘Yes,’ Obi-Wan replies. Anakin is both relieved about the turn of the conversation but also hates the feigned normalcy of this all. ‘Enough to hold out for a long time,’ Obi-Wan adds. 

* * *

Talking about groceries is not how he imagined it’d go if Anakin were to come back to him. Nothing is as expected, because for months Anakin only existed in his mind. To him he spoke of all his worries, all his regrets, but to have the real Anakin here, everything seems to revert back to how it was before. Speaking, but not talking. Hearing, but not understanding. Has it always been like this? If so, how has he never noticed?

‘Okay,’ Anakin says. ‘So we’re going after breakfast?’

‘Yes.’

‘Please tell me you have a speeder,’ Anakin says. ‘Or are we going to ride that Bantha?’

Obi-Wan smiles. ‘I just got one a few days ago. Just one, though.’

Anakin shrugs. ‘I can drive and you can sit behind me.’

‘No, _I_ am driving. You don’t even have to come.’

‘No,’ Anakin protests. ‘Maybe we can find a way for me to get back.’

Obi-Wan raises his eyebrow. ‘Over there? All there is over there is a few shops and a cantina. I don’t suppose we’ll find anything there. Unless you know more than I do?’

‘I don’t. I just…’ Anakin sighs. ‘After the nightmare I had I just want to go back as soon as possible. I want to fix this.’

Obi-Wan nods and brings them a basket of dry bread. ‘You love her very much, don’t you?’

‘Yes,’ Anakin says as Obi-Wan sits across from him. ‘I already miss her, you know? I miss her so much when we’re away. She’s kind and smart and she loves me without asking anything back.’ Anakin smiles. ‘She’s the most perfect thing I’ve ever seen.’

Obi-Wan doesn’t acknowledge the pang of jealousy he’s feeling. Jealousy is the shadow of greed, he knows. Besides, he doesn’t have feelings for his former padawan anyway. He’s got no reason to feel this way.

‘I’m glad you’ve found her. You used to talk about her all the time when you were younger.’ Obi-Wan smiles. ‘When did it start? After Geonosis?’

Anakin blinks. ‘How do you know?’

Obi-Wan can’t help but laugh. ‘Oh, Anakin… Did you think you two were ever subtle?’

‘But –’ Anakin starts, his eyes wide in surprise. ‘ – you never said something. Why didn’t you say something?’

‘What was I supposed to say?’ He shrugs. ‘We were at war, Anakin, and who was I to take away the one thing that brought you joy and comfort?’

‘I thought you would have reported me to the council immediately.’ 

The words hit him hard. ‘You really did?’

‘Yes. You were _on_ the council. What was I going to do?’

‘I wasn’t going to, Anakin,’ Obi-Wan reassures him. ‘Do you think you’re the first Jedi to fall in love? You know about Satine.’

‘You chose not leaving the Jedi order for her!’

Obi-Wan doesn’t reply.

‘Do you regret that?’

Obi-Wan sighs. ‘I’d have. If she’d asked I’d left the order for her.’ A pause. ‘But it’s too late to dwell on feelings like these.’

‘But you still love her.’

He looks at Anakin, his face determined. What is he trying to get out of him? ‘Yes, I love her still. Of course I do.’

‘You miss her?’ It’s genuine concern he sees on Anakin’s face now.

‘Yes. I do,’ he says, trying to suppress tears again. ‘Every single day.’

‘Then you must understand I can’t lose Padmé,’ Anakin says, almost begging him to understand. ‘I wouldn’t know how to live without her, Obi-Wan. I can’t.’

* * *

‘I know,’ Obi-Wan says. ‘We’ll try to fix this, I promise. You can come.’ His voice turns soft. ‘Of course you can come.’

Anakin is starting to feel guilty for reminding Obi-Wan of his pain. The look on his face, like he’s added a layer of pain on already countless of layers already existed, makes him want to take those words back immediately.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘I shouldn’t have brought up Satine.’

‘It’s okay,’ Obi-Wan says, his tone of voice indicating it very much is not okay. ‘I get it.’

‘No, it’s not okay. I was jealous of her, because you’d have left the order for her. I know you wouldn’t do that for me, but somehow I’d hoped… I’d hoped you would.’

Obi-Wan stares back at him with open mouth. ‘I almost did, Anakin! How can you think…’

‘What?’

‘I almost left the order for you! You remember when you wanted to leave?’

‘Yes?’

‘I was going to go with you, Anakin,’ Obi-Wan says. ‘I was never going to let you leave on your own.’

Anakin stares at him in disbelief. ‘You weren’t?’

‘No, of course not!’ 

‘Even if it meant you’d have to leave the order?’

‘Yes.’

Quiet.

‘Stars, Obi-Wan…’ Anakin says. ‘I think future me should have talked to you about Padmé. If that… If that sentence makes any sense.’ He’s starting to lose his mind about this whole time travel stuff.

‘We don’t know if that’d saved her. You didn’t, and you must have had your reasons.’

He did, Anakin remembers, and it was not just because he was scared he’d betray him to the council. It was because he had a hard time believing Obi-Wan could ever love anyone like Anakin loves Padmé, even after he saw Satine. He knew he choose the Jedi over her. And that’s cold. He could have never, even when Padmé begged him to wake up, to come back to reality and choose the Jedi. He couldn’t.

‘I had, I suppose.’ Anakin sighs. ‘I didn’t think you’d understand, I think. That’s why I never told you about my marriage. Even after Satine.’

‘Marriage?’ Obi-Wan asks, seeming genuinely surprised.

‘Yes. You didn’t know? I thought…?’

‘I didn’t know you two were _married_. That’s…’ He pauses for a second to look at him. ‘That’s serious, Anakin.’

‘I was serious about her.’ Anakin says, more sure about this than anything else. ‘I am.’

Obi-Wan smiles. ‘I know.’

And about you too, Anakin wants to say. But he knows when to shut up.

‘I’m…’ He starts, not knowing where the rest of his sentence would go. ‘Maybe we should go.’

‘Yes.’ Obi-Wan nods. Anakin doesn’t want to talk anymore. No, there are better ways to be spending their time than to talk about the past. Obi-Wan’s past. His future. Why does this have to have so confusing? Here, all alone with Obi-Wan, he can’t help but hope something would happen, but his hopes have been consistently torn down. They shared a bed and Obi-Wan seemed to only want to get away from him. It hurts. It hurts so much.

* * *

The speeder is a heap of garbage, but it was cheap when Obi-Wan bought it and he has to try to be careful. He’s got a lot of credits, but he has no idea for how long he’ll be here, so he tries not to spend too much.

‘Wow,’ Anakin says. ‘That’s something.’

Obi-Wan can’t help but chuckle. ‘It’s not the best speeder I’ve ever had, no.’

‘Oh, I can’t wait to get my hands on that.’ Anakin grins. ‘Can I?’

‘Sure,’ Obi-Wan says, and he shrugs. ‘But not now.’

Anakin looks kind of disappointed, and Obi-Wan can’t stand it when he _pouts_ like that. They have things to do, food to buy that’s not snake, check out on the news… But Anakin is still pouting and Obi-Wan gives in.

‘Okay, fine,’ he says. ‘You can _drive_. As long as you don’t kill me.’

‘I will not,’ Anakin says. ‘Promise.’

Anakin steps on the speeder with a big smile on his face. When was the last time he saw him smile like that? He thinks back and back, but can’t find the exact moment. Still, that smile seems to have haunted his dreams. Anything to see him smile like that one more time.

‘What is it, master?’ Anakin asks.

Obi-Wan shakes his head. ‘Nothing, Anakin.’

He looks confused. ‘Okay, well, hop on, let’s go.’

‘Okay,’ Obi-Wan says, sitting behind Anakin, ‘I’ll tell you where to go. And please, not too fast.’

‘Sure, master.’ Obi-Wan can hear just from the tone of voice that that’s not going to happen.

* * *

Anakin does try to go slow, but the euphoria that gliding smoothly over the sand brings is taking over and before he knows, there is nothing but the speeder and the desert before him. All that hinders him is how this speeder is not nearly fast enough. He misses podracing sometimes. Obi-Wan never understood, but it’s so intense that it’s the only way to really focus. Focus, or die. It’s that easy. When you focus, you can forget for a while how the Force burns inside of you. Even if he did not understand what it was back then, he always felt it. Tiring, energizing, all at once, yet never at the same time.

He only jumps back into reality when he hears Obi-Wan yelling to _please_ stop going so fast. And then there’s Obi-Wan’s hands around his waist, holding him tight, his face buried in his shoulders and for one split second he only wishes he could go faster, so he’d hold him even tighter. He doesn’t. 

‘I’m sorry, master,’ he yells back. ‘Got caught up a little.’

‘Yeah,’ Obi-Wan replies. ‘I’m sure you did.’

* * *

Obi-Wan lets go of Anakin as soon as they stop. He can’t help but be a little flustered for holding him like that. It wasn’t like he was scared, he was just about to fall off. That’s all.

‘Well, you weren’t wrong,’ Anakin says, looking around. ‘There’s not a lot here.’

Obi-Wan shrugs. ‘It’s the nearest oasis and they have a good cantina. How about we go in for a drink?’

Anakin smirks. ‘Of course we are.’

Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow. ‘Do you want to wait outside?’

‘No,’ Anakin says quickly. ‘I’ll park the speeder.’

Obi-Wan smiles.

‘Wouldn’t want you to get in trouble,’ Anakin says.

‘I never get in trouble!’ Obi-Wan protests. ‘You’re the one…’

‘ _You’re_ the one that needs to be saved constantly. By me. Remember?’

‘That business on Cato Neimoidia doesn’t count.’ Then he suddenly remembers. He’s said this before. That moment back on Coruscant, when they just got back from saving the chancellor, the man that turned out to be a Sith lord in the end. When Anakin smiled at him. That was the last time he smiled like that. He smiled like that at him, and the sun shone and made his hair seem like pure woven gold and his smile was like everything he’d ever need. And still he turned around and abandoned him. He should have told him how proud he’d been.

‘Yes,’ Obi-Wan says. ‘I do remember.’ Then there is silence. Why can he not speak the words he needs to hear, why can he not say how proud he is, how grateful he’s back? But the last time… the last time he told him how proud he was, he’d turned to the dark side. He’s smart enough to realize those two things were probably not connected, but he still worries.

‘What is it?’ Anakin asks. ‘Obi-Wan?’

‘I’m proud of you,’ he says, before he can stop himself.

‘Oh.’ Anakin stops and he blushes. Exactly like he did that day before… before Grievous. Before Mustafar. He looks at him, smiles, his cheeks just a tad reddened, and then adverts his eyes, looking down. He’s gleaming, beaming with pride. _Oh, Anakin._

He loves him so much.

‘Well, Anakin says, still flustered. ‘Let’s go in.’


	6. Chapter 6

The cantina is nothing like the places in Coruscant, and somehow Anakin feels not as much out of place as there. The places over there are almost all flashy and expensive, and even the clubs at the lower levels have some kind vibe that always made him feel like he wasn’t allowed in. Not because he’s a Jedi, but because… because he was a slave once.

‘Go sit down,’ Obi-Wan tells him, ‘I’ll get us drinks.’

Anakin eyes the holonews playing by the bar. It’s too far to really be able to hear anything and the people walking up and down do not make it better. Obi-Wan is having a conversation with the woman behind the bar. Of course he is. Even here he can’t stop smiling and smirking and flirting. Does he even know he’s doing that? Anakin sighs. Does he even know how he sees him? Even now, staring at him from far away, there is only longing. No touching. There is something so painful about forever wondering how someone lips would feel on yours, forever dreaming of your hands in theirs. But it’s not just touch for him. It’s love, sharing the same love, not the unequal pining and the painful longing of how he feels right now. To have what he has with Padmé.

Just after telling Padmé, he had allowed himself to dream of a life where the three of them could be together. He wasn’t sure how, but in his dreams they were safe and in peace and living had stopped hurting so much. That dream had ended before he could ever think of it any more. Anakin learned that day they wouldn’t be like that. Ever. And now, forced to spend all of his time with _this_ Obi-Wan, that is cruel. An Obi-Wan that has seen him as a monster, an Obi-Wan that tries to stay away even further away than the one back home. Why can’t he go home and fix things already? He’d at least have Padmé.

* * *

Obi-Wan looks at the holonews next to him. There is not usually much news on Tatooine except for the local gossip. To be honest, he isn’t too sure what he’s looking for here. To get news from the core worlds, that’s much harder than picking up the gossip from the moisture farmers. This is the nearest place to do that and usually he’s the only one who cares much for the news. The holoprojector falters from time to time, because nobody cares about repairing it.

‘Still listening to the news?’

‘Mostly listening, yes,’ Obi-Wan replies. ‘The projector seems to falter more every day.’

The bartender shrugs. ‘You’re the only one who cares for it.’

‘I’m well aware.’ Obi-Wan doesn’t look away from the holo for even a second. Before this there were podracing results. He never got the appeal of that, but he still listened. Now, however, there’s news from the emperor.

‘The emperor reminds all citizens of the empire to turn in any and all surviving Jedi.’ Obi-Wan tries very hard not to react to that. ‘A substantial reward will be given to loyal citizens, just as hiding a Jedi will have grave consequences. Inquisitors have been deployed to hunt down any remaining Jedi.’ The inquisitors. He’s heard of them before, fallen Jedi hunting down the others. In the light of news like this it pains him to have to sit still and be quiet. It pains to not be able to help.

‘Furthermore,’ the announcer continues, and the image flickers back on. ‘Today Emperor Palpatine’s right hand made his second appearance.’ Obi-Wan blinks. That’s news to him. ‘Lord Vader will make sure all the remaining Jedi are hunted down and…’ The world starts spinning and Obi-Wan grasps the bar to stop himself from falling and falling and falling when a man in a black mask appears. This is not Anakin, it can’t be Anakin, it can’t be him, he died, Darth Vader died, he killed him himself, it cannot be him.

‘Ben?’ The bartender asks. ‘Ben, are you okay?’

‘Yes,’ Obi-Wan replies. ‘Yes, I was just… just getting a little light headed.’

‘Have you eaten?’ she asks.

Obi-Wan smiles, even if that has never felt more unnatural. ‘Not enough.’

All he can do now is smile, take his drinks and walk back to Anakin. Has he seen it? From the way he looks at him he has not. What now? What must he do? What can he ever tell him?

* * *

‘What is it?’ Anakin asks.

Obi-Wan looks pale as a ghost when he comes back. There’s something not right. Something is very, very wrong. He doesn’t even look at him and stumbles when he sits down, spilling drinks everywhere.

‘Obi-Wan?’

‘Anakin,’ he says, as if waking up from a nightmare, staring at him with wide eyes. And then, again: ‘Anakin.’

‘I’m here,’ he says. ‘What’s wrong?’

He shakes his head. ‘Not here. I can’t…’ He’s shaking. Anakin can actually _see_ his hands shaking when he picks up his drink.

‘Obi-Wan,’ he whispers, while gently putting a hand on his arm, putting his arm down. ‘Tell me.’

He breathes in, looks at him, looks away and then finally says: ‘This is… What I’m about to tell you is terrible.’

‘More terrible than… than what happened on Mustafar?’ He’s only half-joking.

When Obi-Wan nods, his heart stops for a second. ‘Okay.’ He takes a deep breath. ‘Tell me.’

‘Darth Vader is alive,’ Obi-Wan says, his voice trembling.

Anakin realizes what that means. The future version of him has somehow survived Mustafar and he’s alive. It seems almost impossible. It also means he’s on the side of the empire.

‘What –’ Anakin swallows. ‘What is he doing?’

‘Hunting Jedi,’ Obi-Wan replies, his voice now cool and collected, emotionless. ‘Killing them. Torturing them, maybe.’

‘How can there be two of me?’

‘I don’t know.’ Obi-Wan takes his whiskey, his hands still trembling, and drinks all of it in one sip. ‘Drink up.’ He gestures to Anakin’s drink. ‘We’re leaving.’

Anakin nods. Even if the alcohol burns in his throat, he can see how Obi-Wan can barely keep it together. He’s never seen him like this before. Even when he came back from Mandalore, he’d been stoic and emotionless. He never cried, no matter how much Anakin asked him if he was alright, if he needed anything. He needed nothing. He didn’t need him. And now, probably, he’d be the last person he needs now. But he’ll try. 

He puts down his drink, and follows Obi-Wan outside.

‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m fine.’ _He’s not fine._ ‘How are you?’

‘Don’t, Obi-Wan. I’m fine, really. I’m not the one trembling.’

‘I’m not –’ Obi-Wan starts, but he doesn’t finish his sentence. Anakin knows.

‘Let’s go home,’ Anakin says softly.

‘We can’t,’ Obi-Wan protests. ‘We need food.’

‘I’ll take care of that,’ Anakin reassured and, much to his surprise, Obi-Wan nods and drops a couple of credits in his hands.

‘I’ll wait by the speeder.’

* * *

Obi-Wan can’t believe how this is happening. How can Vader be alive? He saw him burn on Mustafar himself. He should have killed him. He should have stabbed him right through his heart so both of their hearts could have shattered at the same time.

But he couldn’t. Even with Vader’s yellowed eyes, the Sith lord still had the face of his dearest friend. Of _his_ Anakin. He could not be the one responsible for the light leaving his eyes. He could not.

Everything is coming back. All those days focused on what needed to be done, finding food, looking over Luke, building his house, he thought he was dealing with it, but he had just been pushing it away. And now it has caught up with him. Now, just when Anakin is here. Anakin was here to learn, wasn’t he? Obi-Wan thinks so. He needed to learn how to prevent all of this. But now they have not gotten any further and all there is, is pain.

Anakin comes back with that same concerned look on his face. He wishes he could just stop looking at him like that. He’s fine. This is fine. He’s just fine.

‘I got the food,’ Anakin says, as soon as he reaches him. ‘And I managed to get some tools to repair that speeder of yours.’

Obi-Wan tries to smile. ‘Good. Thank you.’

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yes!’ he snaps. ‘I am completely fine.’

Anakin steps back slightly. ‘Okay,’ he says, ‘okay.’

Obi-Wan realizes he’s very obviously not fine.

‘Let’s… let’s just go home.’

‘Yes.’ Anakin still seems a little dismayed. ‘Do you want to drive?’

‘No,’ Obi-Wan says, emotionless. ‘You should. I’ll be fine.’

‘No,’ Anakin says. ‘No, you won’t. When we get home, you need to sit down.’

He’s so caring and _good_ and Obi-Wan can’t stand to see this young man stand here, and there, at the same time, is a version out there of… well, of him, but twisted and dark. And he still can’t piece the puzzle together. 

‘I will,’ he says, instead of speaking of any of those things. ‘Thank you.’

Anakin smiles. ‘You’re welcome.’

They get on the speeder bike, but there is one more thing Obi-Wan needs to say before the sounds of the bike would overwhelm those of his voice. ‘Anakin?’

‘Yes, master?’

‘How are you not… distressed by this news?’

‘What do you mean?’ he asks. ‘I am.’

Quiet. Anakin does not start the speeder.

‘Not distressed like you are,’ he says after a few seconds. ‘That’s what you mean, right?’

Obi-Wan pauses. ‘Yes.’

‘I’m not sure. I guess I’m still holding on to hope that we can change this all.’

‘You.’

‘What?’

‘You can change this all,’ Obi-Wan says, his hands now loosely on Anakin’s hips. ‘I can’t.’

‘We can!’ Anakin protests. ‘We can change this. We’re here together, aren’t we?’

‘I suppose we are.’

‘Well then,’ Anakin says, as he starts up the speeder. ‘We’re going to change it together.’

* * *

There are not many things Anakin Skywalker is very sure of. Not his belonging to the Jedi, not of his destiny as the Chosen One and not of his own future, that has become much more terrifying the last two days. Sometimes, many times, he doesn’t even know who he is or who he’s supposed to be. But he knows he loves Padmé. He knows he loves Obi-Wan. And he knows, he’s more sure of anything else that’s why he needs to change the future. Not for himself, but for Padmé to live and for Obi-Wan to be truly alive. To never have to see that infinite sadness in his eyes again.

But it’s always been there, hasn’t it? Anakin never really understood before how Obi-Wan could be charming and chatty and then, minutes later, stare into the void with sadness in his eyes. He never shows, not in public, not even to him, but it’s there. Sorrow, emptiness. The tone of voice that indicates emotionlessness, but is so much more behind that. He feels, he does, Anakin knows deep down, no matter how much he does question it, he just never shows. It’s like he can’t.

But Obi-Wan is holding him again, loosely now, his hands on Anakin’s hips and there is just them and the desert and still they could be planets away.

_Just to take away his pain._

Could he ever do that? Even if he ends up changing everything?

 _Can you give me a hint?_ Anakin asks, looking up at the two suns burning hot in the sky. He doesn’t know if he’s asking the Force or other forces, the ones the slaves used to talk about on cold, cold nights, in hushed, whispered tones. He’s just reaching out to anyone who could help.

There is no answer.

They’re home faster than Anakin had expected.

‘Go inside, Obi-Wan,’ Anakin says without looking at him. ‘I’ll unload.’

Obi-Wan obeys. Anakin can feel the weight lift off the speeder bike, and then he looks at Obi-Wan’s silhouette, somehow more hunched over than he’s ever seen him. It feels like he’s aged ten years since he last saw him on Coruscant.

Anakin stares at the twin suns. It’s not the first time, and the sight of it is familiar, in a good way or a bad one, he’s not sure. But it is. It’s merciless here. It’s hell. It’s the closest thing he has to home.

He wonders what Obi-Wan considers home.

He should go unload like he promised. He doesn’t want to leave him alone like this for too long.

‘Obi-Wan?’

Anakin finds him sitting in the half dark, clinging an object in his hands. He carefully comes closer and even if he knows Obi-Wan knows he’s here, he doesn’t acknowledge his presence. Anakin blinks, his eyes adjusting to the dark. Obi-Wan is holding a lightsaber, he realizes now. _His_ lightsaber. His hand immediately goes to his belt, but he can feel the familiar weight of the saber. He hasn’t lost it. So how does Obi-Wan have the exact same weapon in his hand?

He doesn’t ask. He just sits down next to him. Only then Obi-Wan looks at him.

‘Is that my lightsaber?’ Anakin asks. It’s an unnecessary question. Of course it is. Every single lightsaber is unique, it’d be impossible to have two of the same. And still… there are.

‘Yes.’

‘How did you get it?’

Obi-Wan looks away, back at the saber. ‘I picked it up after our battle.’

‘Why?’ Anakin asks. He doesn’t feel mad about it, he just doesn’t understand.

‘Because…’ Obi-Wan pauses. ‘Because I remember when you made it. After we both lost ours, remember? This was Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber. Not Darth Vader’s. I did it because I wanted to honor you in a way. Ever after Darth Vader killed you.’

Anakin swallows. ‘This weapon is your life. You once told me that.’

‘Yes.’

‘That’s my life in your hands.’

Obi-Wan smiles. ‘That wouldn’t be the first time.’

‘That’s true.’ Anakin smiles back. ‘Even if I feel like I’ve saved you a whole lot of times.’

‘You did.’

‘Why were you staring at it?’ Anakin asks, nodding towards the saber.

‘I have been doing that a lot,’ Obi-Wan replies. ‘There are so many similarities in our designs. I sometimes wondered if we were too different, but then I realized that isn’t the problem.’

‘Then what is?’

‘We were too alike.’


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, forgot about this

Anakin frowns. It doesn’t really make sense to him. ‘Too alike?’ he asks. ‘How?’

‘Master Yoda once told me we both share the flaw of attachment.’

‘Attachment?’ Anakin blinks. ‘No, no. You’re not attached to anything. Even your room is pretty much empty.’

Obi-Wan shakes his head. ‘How can you still think that? After I told you I do love you, after everything we’ve been through?’

Anakin is quiet.

‘You can see how I feel, can’t you?’

Anakin nods. ‘Why do you feel like this? Is it because I failed you?’

‘No.’ Obi-Wan sighs. ‘Because _I_ failed _you_.’ He looks back at the saber. ‘Because I did this to you. I all but put you in that suit.’

‘You didn’t,’ Anakin says, leaning closer into him until their shoulders are just barely touching. ‘I’m still here. Yes, Darth Vader is alive and in that suit but he is not me. And he’ll never be.’

Obi-Wan doesn’t reply, just keeps staring at the weapon.

‘Obi-Wan?’

He doesn’t reply, but something else happens: he leans into Anakin’s touch. Anakin almost doesn’t believe it’s happening at first. They’re touching without having to, they’re touching and Obi-Wan is relaxed. Force, it feels so good.

‘We can fix this, Obi-Wan.’

‘I never wanted to believe in anything more than I want to believe in that.’

* * *

Obi-Wan doesn’t know why, but the touch of Anakin, _his_ Anakin, not that monster Vader, is reassuring. In the moment he saw that black mask appearing, it’d seemed like all hope had been lost. But it’s not, he reminds himself. Anakin is here. The Force has send him here. _His_ Anakin. Still the beautiful kind man he’d once been. And despite everything, he loves him. Just like despite all, he loved him back on Mustafar.

‘Promise me,’ Obi-Wan whispers, leaning on his former padawan. ‘Promise me you’ll never become him.’

The world stands still in that moment. Every sound stops, even time seems to forget to pass, but then Anakin speaks and he speaks the sweetest words: ‘I promise, master.’

They look at each other, but if they expected the world to fade away, for Anakin to return to the past, it doesn’t happen. It isn’t this easy. But he still pulls him closer, so close they’re facing each other, feel each other’s breath on their skin and Obi-Wan could kiss him, he truly could, but he knows it’s not right, so he pulls away and tries not to think of this emotion-fueled moment.

‘Thank you.’

Anakin nods, swallows and Obi-Wan could have felt the disappointment radiating off of him even if he hadn’t been Force sensitive.

‘Yes,’ Anakin says, looking away. ‘You’re welcome. I suppose.’

He messed up. He broke his heart again. ‘I’m sorry, Anakin.’

‘There is nothing to apologize for,’ he replies, his voice flat. ‘I promise I will make it right, whatever happens.’

But the moment is over and done and Anakin rises. More than anything Obi-Wan wants him to stay, but what can he say without destroying him all over again? He feels destroyed himself. It’s as if, when Anakin – no, Darth Vader – burned, he lost part of himself. He hasn’t figured out how to be whole again ever since then, but having Anakin near helps. It’s almost like being whole again. Almost. They’re like two puzzle pieces almost fitting together, but just… not perfectly. It’s the time, probably. It would make everyone seem out of place. Even Anakin. Bright, beautiful Anakin.

‘So… Are you okay?’ Anakin asks carefully.

Obi-Wan puts the lightsaber back in the chest. ‘For now, I suppose.’

‘Should I make food? Food that is not snake?’

Anakin is quite nice for someone that probably just got his heart broken again. Obi-Wan hates how he’s seeing him in this vulnerable state. It leaves him feeling raw and breakable. Anakin should not know how easily he breaks. At first, because he was his teacher, his protector, and now…

Now because he cannot ever show that side of him, even to his closest friend. The Jedi never appreciated it, it almost got him send off to Bandomeer. It’s better for Anakin not to see. But it’s too late now.

‘Yes,’ he says, ‘Thank you.’

Anakin nods.

‘Anakin?’ Obi-Wan asks, carefully.

‘Yes?’

‘I didn’t want you to see me like this.’ He sighs. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘I know,’ Anakin replies. ‘You don’t really want to be close to me.’

‘What?’ Obi-Wan blinks. ‘That’s not what I meant.’ He pauses. ‘I meant I didn’t want you to see me… upset like this.’

‘Oh.’ Anakin drops his stuff and looks at him for a second. ‘Right.’

‘Yeah.’

‘You don’t have to say sorry.’

Obi-Wan doesn’t reply.

‘I mean, we’re not at the Jedi temple anymore,’ Anakin says. ‘Yoda is not going to hit you over the head with a stick for having _emotions_.’

Obi-Wan smiles a bit. ‘I don’t think he’s ever done that.’

Anakin shrugs. ‘He would.’

‘He wouldn’t!’ Obi-Wan protests.

‘Because he is too short to reach you.’

‘He’s not…’

* * *

The stupid argument about Yoda is making Obi-Wan smile again and that is all that matters. However, Anakin has not forgotten about the moment they just had. At least, it felt like a moment. Obi-Wan had been so terribly close he could have kissed him and Anakin was so sure he at least felt _something_ in the Force. But it could just have to do with the whole Darth Vader ordeal. It had nearly broken Obi-Wan, he could see it. He’s been through so much and all Anakin wants is to take away his pain. And maybe he can. If only he could figure out how.

‘I never liked Yoda, you know?’ Anakin says.

‘That is not news to me, Anakin.’

Anakin blushes. Had he been hiding his dislike for Yoda that badly? ‘Oh.’

Obi-Wan smiles again. ‘I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but he is still alive.’

Anakin raises an eyebrow. ‘He is? Is he here too?’ he asks. ‘Please tell me he is _not_ here too.’

‘He isn’t.’

Anakin breathes a sigh of relief. ‘I would not like to run into him here. So, where is he?’

‘Dagobah.’

‘The swamp planet?’ Anakin asks. ‘Why _there_?’

Obi-Wan shrugs. ‘It’s full of life and the Force. And most of all, it’s better than Tatooine.’

‘I suppose that’s true,’ Anakin considers. ‘So why come here? I mean, except for Luke.’

‘Because I know how much you hate this place. You wouldn’t come here if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.’

Anakin nods. ‘Well, you were right about that.’

‘You didn’t have a choice this time.’

‘No,’ Anakin confirms. ‘I pretty much didn’t. Every time I come here, something bad happens.’

‘What about that time with the Hutts?’ Obi-Wan asks.

‘That was bad too.’

‘Okay,’ Obi-Wan admits. ‘You’re right.’

Anakin grins. ‘I still can’t believe the crazy things that happened in the clone wars.’

‘Until it got worse.’ Obi-Wan sighs. ‘You got away from me. I could see how much you were suffering and I couldn’t do a thing.’

‘What about you?’ Anakin objects. ‘You’re leading so many men, it’s crazy.’

‘I _did_ , yes.’

Anakin ignores Obi-Wan’s correction. ‘How did you do it?’

‘With you by my side,’ Obi-Wan replies immediately. Anakin stares at him for a second, taken aback. He is saying it so casually, like it’s only a fact. He has no idea how much that means to Anakin.

‘That mattered?’ is all he can get out right now.

‘That made all the difference.’

They stare at each, unable to find words for their feelings right now. He did mean something to Obi-Wan. He does. A lot.

‘Oh, Anakin.’ Obi-Wan looks at him. ‘You had no idea how much I loved you, did you?’

Anakin shakes his head. ‘If you loved me, why didn’t you want me?’ His voice is choked up again, he can’t help it after a day like this.

‘I…’ Obi-Wan bows his head. ‘We both know it’s not right.’

He hates disappointing him again and again , over and over, but it seems like they keep coming back to this. Obi-Wan doesn’t want to talk about it, most of all because he’s afraid he might find _something_ buried deep inside of him. Something he can never let out, no matter how Anakin looks at him.

* * *

‘I don’t care if it’s right. I don’t care if we’re Jedi. Who cares about the code?’ Anakin exclaims, frustrated. He’s not crying anymore. Something has changed. He can feel it, see it in the way Obi-Wan looks at him.

‘It’s not just the Code.’

‘Then what?’

‘You were my padawan, Anakin!’ Obi-Wan exclaims.

‘Yes, I _was._ ’ He protests. ‘Not anymore, am I?’

Obi-Wan buries his head in his hands. ‘No, but…’

‘But?’

‘It means something, Anakin.’

Anakin doesn’t reply. Obi-Wan is right, probably. It does mean something, but it cannot stop his feelings. And Obi-Wan’s feelings? He made him believe there was nothing, but the way he talks about it makes him believing he’s starting to return his feelings. Could he possibly?

‘Then what does it mean?’ Anakin asks.

Obi-Wan sighs. ‘It means you might be mistaking admiration and familiarity with love.’

Anakin stops to thinks. ‘And what about you? What do you think you’re mistaking for love?’

‘The same things.’

There are a million things flashing through Anakin’s head. Obi-Wan admires him. Obi-Wan loves him. He knew that, and still hearing that means so much. Anakin meant romantic love when he asked, but he doesn’t know what Obi-Wan meant when he answered. He doesn’t dare ask. The last couple of times he got either another rejection or no answer at all. But, he needs to know so badly.

‘Obi-Wan,’ he asks, sitting down next to him again. ‘After this time I’ll never ask again.’

‘You don’t mean that.’

‘I do,’ Anakin replies, his tone serious. He’s not joking around now. ‘Do you have feelings for me?’

It’s quiet for way too long, and Anakin feels like his heart has never raced this much. Obi-Wan’s expression is not giving anything away and he knows, without being dramatic, that this is the worst torture he’s ever been through.

‘Anakin…’ Obi-Wan sounds like he wants to start a sentence, but then doesn’t finish it.

‘Please don’t tell me you don’t know.’

Obi-Wan sighs. ‘I just know I shouldn’t be feeling anything.’

Anakin’s heart jumps a little. Does this mean…?

‘So you do feel something?’

More silence. ‘It’s not the Code I’m so worried about, Anakin.’

‘Answer my question, Obi-Wan,’ he says coolly.

‘It’s you.’

‘Obi-Wan!’ Anakin says, growing more and more agitated.

He looks away, but then, finally, he gives him an answer. ‘Yes.’

Anakin can’t believe his ears, but still he’s careful to get too excited. There’s something in Obi-Wan’s voice that warns him not to hope for anything.

‘So?’ he asks.

‘Anakin, we can’t do this. It’s not right.’

‘But it’s what we both want, isn’t it?’

Obi-Wan gets up and stands with his back towards him. ‘We shouldn’t want this.’

‘Obi-Wan,’ Anakin protests. ‘Please.’

‘I need to think,’ Obi-Wan replies. Anakin looks at his back, feeling waves and waves of disappointment flowing through his veins. ‘I’ll be meditating.’

* * *

_Qui-Gon, what do I do?_ Obi-Wan asks quietly. He tries to release all of his worries and anxieties into the Force, but it just doesn’t seem to work today. He can’t feel the presence of his old master either. He can’t have left him, can he?

_Please, Qui-Gon. I think I’ve done something terrible._

_And why would you think that, my padawan?_

Obi-Wan could cry in relief. He can feel Qui-Gon’s presence in the Force again. He’s here again. He truly is here again.

_Because I told Anakin of my feelings._ He’s not saying it out loud, but communicating with Qui-Gon feels just like talking. _I’m not even sure what they are, but I know they are… there._

_You’ll figure it out,_ Qui-Gon’s voice speaks, reassuringly. _The two of you._

_Is that what you send him here for? To figure out our feelings?_ Obi-Wan pauses for a second to think, or well, to think and not putting those thoughts into words exactly. _Did you send him here so I could_ hook up _with him?_

Qui-Gon’s voice seems to chuckle.

_That was not my intention. I wanted you to understand him and confessing your feelings to him has brought him closer to you._

_He doesn’t_ feel _closer to me._

_It’ll come, with time._

_This was a terrible idea._

_No, Obi-Wan, you were honest about your feelings and I’m proud of you._

Pride. It’s so long since he’s heard these words from his former master and he can’t help his heart from filling with warmth.

_It’s against the Code. It’s wrong too. He was my padawan, Qui-Gon._

_You know very well I don’t always agree with the Code, don’t you?_

_I do, master._

_You need to understand, Obi-Wan. You need to understand him, and he needs to understand himself. He needs to understand you, and you need to understand yourself._

_Myself?_

But there is no more reply and Qui-Gon’s presence is gone. Obi-Wan wonders if he gets limited time communicating with the living or if he’s just being difficult. Whatever the case, he opens his eyes and rises to his feet. Anakin is looking at him again, the same longing in his eyes. He knows. He knows so very well.

‘Were you talking to Qui-Gon?’ he asks.

Obi-Wan nods. ‘How do you know?’

‘I can feel him too, you know?’

‘You can?’

‘Yes,’ Anakin replies. ‘I might not have known him very long, but he meant so much to me.’

‘I understand.’ He smiles slightly. ‘I did talk to him, yes.’

‘So,’ Anakin says, turning to the kitchen. ‘Was he a little more helpful this time?’

‘I suppose,’ Obi-Wan replies. ‘He told we need to understand ourselves, and each other.’

‘What do you think that means?’

Obi-Wan sighs. ‘I’m not sure. But maybe it means I should stop pushing you away.’

Anakin smiles. ‘That’d be a good start, yes.’ He pauses for a second. ‘Did he say anything about… us?’

Obi-Wan is having a hard time accepting there is a _them_ , but he can’t deny there is something like that at least.

‘He did say something about not always agreeing with the Code, yes. And he did not seem to think we made a mistake.’

Anakin smiles, going through his drawers. ‘I suppose that’s good.’

‘What are you doing?’

‘I was going to make food, wasn’t I?’

Obi-Wan nods.

‘Nobody knows Tatooine food better than I do.’


	8. Chapter 8

Anakin was right, nobody knows Tatooine food like he does. He’s able to make the ingredients taste _good_ , even if it’s a bit too spicy for Obi-Wan’s tastes. Blue milk turns out to be life saver.

‘I didn’t know you liked it this spicy.’

Anakin shrugs. ‘Temple food was bland, besides, I’ve kept it mild for you.’

Obi-Wan takes another sip of his blue milk. His throat is on fire. ‘Thanks.’

‘Too spicy?’

Obi-Wan just nods.

‘Can’t help you’re so sensitive.’ He grins.

‘Anakin, I am not…’

‘You are, master. Now, eat up, I can see you like it.’

‘My mouth is on fire,’ Obi-Wan mutters.

‘Should I kiss it better?’ Anakin has not lost that cocky smile of his yet. When Obi-Wan realizes what he means, he can’t help but blush.

‘No,’ he says, suddenly very interested in his plate. ‘I’m fine.’

Anakin doesn’t seem too disappointed, to Obi-Wan’s relief. He just shrugs and takes his own plate and puts it away. Obi-Wan is not done yet and he takes another plate of Anakin’s delicious, yet painful food. Is Anakin going to be like this the rest of the time he’s there? That’s going to be a pain in the ass.

‘So,’ Anakin says, sitting across from him, his plate washed. ‘I think we need to talk.’

‘Again?’ Obi-Wan asks. ‘We did just talk.’

‘Technically we talk all the time,’ Anakin says. _Smartass_. ‘I mean, not about feelings, but about how I’m going to get back with to my own timeline.’

Obi-Wan nods. He doesn’t like admitting it, but things have been better even since he admitted his feelings for Anakin. The atmosphere around them is more relaxed and Anakin is his old cocky self. He’s way too content with himself, but Obi-Wan will take it if it means they’re not arguing all the time.

‘Yes,’ Obi-Wan says. ‘We _should_ discuss that again. Now Qui-Gon has been giving me some more hints, we might be able to find a way.’

‘He’s not very helpful, is he?’ Anakin asks. ‘I remember him being a _little_ better than this.’

‘Well, he did like games.’ Obi-Wan remembers very well his feelings when Qui-Gon told him his plan to basically gamble with Anakin’s life in the podrace, but he decides not to say anything about that to Anakin. Qui-Gon is a hero, larger than life, in his memory. He doesn’t want to ruin that for him. ‘But it’s probably hard to talk to the living when you’re dead.’

Anakin raises an eyebrow.

‘Or,’ Obi-Wan continues, ‘he likes playing with us. I don’t know which explanation I like better.’

Anakin doesn’t reply to that. ‘I have been thinking about what he said. You told me he said we have to understand ourselves.’

‘He said I have to understand ourselves and each other.’

‘Yes,’ Anakin continues. ‘Well, we’ve come pretty far, haven’t we?’

Obi-Wan nods carefully. They have been talking out some of their issues and admitted their feelings. That is something.

‘But I’m still not back, no?’

Obi-Wan nods, again.

‘So that means we’re not there yet.’

‘Yes,’ Obi-Wan considers. ‘Okay, that makes sense.’

‘Maybe it was about those feeling we have for each other all the time?’

Obi-Wan can feel his face heat up, just by Anakin talking about it. ‘Maybe,’ he replies. ‘But why are you not back then?’

‘I’m getting there.’

Obi-Wan nods, still feeling his cheeks burning. That beard is coming in very handy right now.

‘I think we should seal this deal. Make it official.’

Obi-Wan can immediately feel his heartbeat raising. He can’t be suggesting what he thinks he’s suggesting, right?

‘Maybe we should kiss?’

He is. Obi-Wan can feel all of the blood suddenly disappearing from his cheeks. Anakin does want to kiss him. He wasn’t joking.

‘Master?’

‘No.’

Obi-Wan can almost see Anakin’s hope sinking. ‘Why not?’ 

‘Anakin, just because we have feelings for each other, doesn’t mean we should act on them.’

‘Oh,’ Anakin whispers. ‘I thought…’

‘Anakin, I…’

‘No, don’t bother,’ he bites. ‘It’s about the Code, isn’t it? There’s no Code here, Obi-Wan! The Jedi are gone!’

Anakin’s words hit like a brick and Obi-Wan can feel the remaining blood in his face draining. _The Jedi are gone. The Jedi are gone._ They _are_ gone and it’s all his fault. If he’d just been a better master, Anakin wouldn’t have turned and none of this would have ever happened.

‘Oh Obi-Wan,’ Anakin says, shocked, as if he just now has realized what he said. ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean…’

‘But you are right, Anakin. They are gone and it’s my fault.’

‘It’s not,’ Anakin says, his voice softer and full of regret now. ‘You shouldn’t blame yourself. It’s all my fault.’

* * *

It’s the first time Anakin really, really feels like that person Obi-Wan showed him, Darth Vader, and he are the same person. It feels awful. He doesn’t want to be him and still it’s the truth. One step closer to understanding. He is Darth Vader and Darth Vader is him.

For now.

‘Anakin.’ Obi-Wan’s voice takes him out of his thoughts.

‘It’s all my fault. I killed them all.’

He’s said those words before. To Padmé, about the sand people. It had been a dark moment, one full of sorrow and rage, and it had worried him, but not so much as to think he could do it again. The sand people didn’t count, he decided later. They’re not really people, as many on Tatooine would agree. When he was still living there, he had heard of moisture farmers that went out to hunt them sometimes. He never considered them much different than animals. Just hunting. Hunting doesn’t make a man a monster, does it? But look at what he had done, what he will do, according to your point of view.

‘Am I a bad person, Obi-Wan? Was I always meant for this?’

Obi-Wan shakes his head. ‘Of course not. You’re a good person.’

It means a lot to have Obi-Wan believe in him, but he doesn’t know the whole story. He doesn’t know all Anakin knows. ‘There is something I never told you.’

‘What is it?’

Anakin pauses for a second and looks at Obi-Wan. He’s not sure what Obi-Wan would think of him after he tells him the truth. ‘You know about my mom,’ he starts. ‘And the sand people that took her.’

Obi-Wan nods.

‘But there’s something you don’t know. About the sand people.’

‘Tell me, Anakin.’

‘When my mom died in my arms, I was enraged. I…’ He takes a deep breath. ‘I killed the entire village. All of them.’

Obi-Wan stares at him with his eyes wide and Anakin knows he messed up now. It’s exactly like he looked at him after the vision he showed him. After what he saw happened on Mustafar. He looks away, unable to bear Obi-Wan’s expression any longer.

‘I’m sorry,’ Anakin whispers. ‘I… I don’t think they’re human, if that helps? Everyone on Tatooine knows.’

That was the wrong thing to do. ‘Anakin, they are sentient beings.’

‘But they are sand people,’ Anakin protests. ‘They tortured my mother.’

‘Anakin,’ Obi-Wan is the one to look away now. ‘I know it hurts.’

‘How would you know?’

‘How would I _know_?’ Obi-Wan shakes his head. ‘Qui-Gon died in my arms.’

‘And so you killed the man who killed him. That’s only fair, isn’t it?’ Anakin protests.

‘I killed him because if I had not he would have killed me. He was a danger to the Republic.’

‘It doesn’t seem so different to me.’

Anakin doesn’t know whether he is trying to convince himself or Obi-Wan. The truth is that he regrets that act terribly. It haunts him in his dreams, wakes him up in cold sweat. But it was a justified rage, wasn’t it? Understandable, if you’re not a Jedi. A perfect Jedi, like Obi-Wan.

‘You killed an entire village,’ Obi-Wan replies coolly. ‘I do think it’s different.’

‘We fought and killed in the war.’

‘Do you think I ever wanted to? I didn’t become a Jedi to fight a fruitless, meaningless war, Anakin. I wanted to help.’

‘Me too,’ Anakin says. ‘I wanted to help too.’ He breathes. ‘In the war, I mean.’

‘I know.’

Anakin looks at Obi-Wan once more. He still seems cold and distant. ‘You think I’m a monster,’ Anakin says. ‘Don’t you?’

Obi-Wan shakes his head. ‘I don’t. I think you were hurt and acted out of rage and pain and you try to justify it for yourself.’

Anakin doesn’t reply. He knows Obi-Wan is right, but how can you ever not be angry?

‘Did you cut Maul out of rage?’

‘I’m… not sure,’ Obi-Wan replies. ‘I was angry, yes.’

‘So you did? You do know how I felt?’

‘Yes,’ he admits. ‘I’ve felt anger, I’ve felt pain. Maul has cost me so much pain, you know?’

‘And don’t you want to kill him? For what he did to Qui-Gon? To Satine?’

Obi-Wan doesn’t reply for a few second, and then he says the last thing Anakin expected: ‘no.’

‘No?’ Anakin blinks. ‘Because you’re a Jedi?’

‘No,’ Obi-Wan sighs, looking at him. ‘Because he was a victim of his circumstances, made evil, not born evil. Like you.’

* * *

Obi-Wan can see Anakin’s expression changing, but he cannot place it.

‘I’m nothing like Maul,’ he says, but his protest is weak, his voice sounds breakable. ‘Am I?’

‘I’m not saying that. I’m saying…’ Obi-Wan pauses for a minute. What he’s going to say next is not flattering to the Jedi, or to himself. _Speak no ill of the dead_ , and yet, he will. ‘He was raised to be a weapon. And so were you. You just fought on opposite sides.’

Anakin looks up. ‘What do you mean?’

‘They wanted you to destroy the Sith.’

‘That’s what the prophecy said.’ Anakin smiles wryly. ‘Guess it was wrong.’

‘Yes,’ Obi-Wan replies. ‘But we shouldn’t have asked that of you.’

‘We?’

Obi-Wan realizes what he just said partly put the blame on himself. ‘Yes.’

‘Oh.’

‘I’m sorry, Anakin.’

He looks down again. ‘Me too. You are right, I shouldn’t have acted out of anger. You were the one to teach me that.’

Obi-Wan smiles. ‘I’m so proud of you.’

‘For what?’ Anakin protests. ‘I just admitted to killing an entire village. You were horrified!’

‘And you admitted you were wrong. You stopped justifying it.’

‘Is that enough to make it right?’ he asks, carefully.

‘No,’ Obi-Wan replies. ‘But it’s enough to not make you realize nothing will make it right.’

‘Am I really meant to be that monster, master? Even if I go back and try to change things?’

‘I don’t think so,’ Obi-Wan replies. Despite everything, he still believes in Anakin. He still believes in the kind man he is. Maybe he loves him too much to see his flaws, but he doesn’t think so.

Anakin buries his head in his hands. ‘What if I do it wrong all over again?’

‘Anakin,’ Obi-Wan whispers. ‘You won’t.’

‘Thank you.’

It’s quiet now and to his surprise Obi-Wan realizes he wants nothing else but to hold Anakin tight. He seems so lost and broken, so determined to be better. And he is so proud.

Anakin looks up and puts his hands down, and that’s when Obi-Wan takes his left hand and holds it tight. Anakin looks puzzled at his hand.

‘What are you doing?’ he asks.

‘Holding your hand.’

‘Why?’

Obi-Wan suddenly regrets his action. ‘Should I let go?’

Anakin smiles and shakes his head. ‘No. Don’t.’

‘I’m sorry about your hand,’ Obi-Wan says, looking at his other, durasteel arm covered by the glove. ‘I don’t think I ever told you, but I should have protected you back there.’

‘You couldn’t have. He was a Sith Lord.’

‘I’ve defeated a Sith Lord before.’

‘Don’t apologize, Obi-Wan,’ Anakin reassures. ‘If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine. I was the one thinking I could defeat him all by myself. Like you did with Maul.’

Obi-Wan smiles. ‘I didn’t defeat him all alone. I had Qui-Gon by my side for most of the fight.’

‘I know.’

It’s quiet.

‘I really want to get back, you know?’ Anakin says. ‘The more I speak to you, the more I want to take away your pain. But I’ll miss you.’

‘I’ll be there still. With broken ribs, probably.’ Obi-Wan remembers how inconvenient that had been. ‘But I’ll be there.’

‘But you’ll be different. We wouldn’t have had these conversations.’

‘Then tell him,’ Obi-Wan urges, holding his hand a little tighter. ‘Tell me. Share all these memories, have all of these conversations again, I don’t care.’

‘Do you think he will,’ Anakin’s blue eyes bore into his, ‘that he will admit his feelings? That he will have them?’ He pauses. ‘Do you remember if you had them, back then?’

Obi-Wan stops to think. ‘I don’t know. I… was scared to admit it, I think. For the same reasons I’ve given you. I thought, no,’ he corrects himself, ‘I still think, it’s inappropriate.’

Anakin sighs sadly. Obi-Wan can’t stand that look on his face, like his heart gets broken over and over again. He can’t do this anymore. He can’t keep hurting Anakin. And, he realizes, he can’t keep hurting himself. He can feel himself being drawn to Anakin just as much as Anakin is drawn to him. It’s hopeless, really, to fight this. He’s trying to, keeps trying, for Anakin’s protection. Or at least, that’s what he’s telling himself. He _is_ genuinely worried Anakin is mistaking admiration and familiarity with love, but what he feels through their bond is love, just pure love. No mistakes made. And he feels the same for Anakin, so much he knows after having to miss him for what felt like ages.

‘Right,’ Anakin says, and his voice, his broken voice, is torture. ‘I know. But, can we discuss this?’

‘We did.’

‘Without you interrupting?’ Anakin says, sharply.

‘Oh,’ Obi-Wan says. ‘Yes.’

‘Okay.’ Anakin nods and breathes. ‘I’m not confusing admiration for love. You know that.’

Obi-Wan nods.

‘I do want this, genuinely want this, Code or no Code, appropriate or not. I can assure you that.’

‘Okay.’ He wants to say something, but he remembers his promise to Anakin. Don’t interrupt.

‘I know you think you’re holding back for my sake, but this is actually really bad for me, okay?’ He sighs. ‘What I’m trying to say is, I know this isn’t supposed to happen probably and this isn’t easy and we’re not always easy… together. But I truly, deeply love you and I know you love me, I can feel it. So if we love each other, what is holding us back?’

Obi-Wan doesn’t reply.

‘You can interrupt now. Or well, talk. You wouldn’t be interrupting.’

Obi-Wan smiles. ‘I was thinking.’

Anakin does have a point. What is holding them back? There are so many things, truthfully, that holds them back. Should hold them back. But they all seem nothing next to how much he wants Anakin. Now he gets the chance, finally lets himself admit, he does wonder what Anakin’s lips would feel like on his, what if would feel like to touch him and allow himself to enjoy it.

‘Well?’ Anakin asks.

Obi-Wan takes a deep breath. What he’s going to say now, he might come to regret immediately. Or he might not. Is it worth taking the chance?

‘The idea you had,’ he says. ‘The idea about getting you back?’

Anakin knows what he means immediately. ‘The kiss.’

‘Yes.’

‘What about it?’ He can see hope kindling in Anakin’s eyes. He has to do that. He cannot disappoint him again.

‘Maybe you’re right,’ Obi-Wan says. ‘Maybe we should try.’


	9. Chapter 9

Anakin pauses, speechless. Obi-Wan _does_ want to try?

‘You’re not kidding, are you?’ he asks cautiously.

Obi-Wan shakes his head. ‘I’m not.’

‘Oh.’ Anakin can feel himself getting flustered. ‘Okay.’

‘If you still want to?’

‘Yes!’ Anakin replies, way too quickly. ‘I mean, yes, of course.’

He can’t believe this is about to happen. He has dreamt about this for so long, thought it couldn’t be for what felt like ages, but now it’s actually going to happen. And then, a realization dawns on him. Maybe Obi-Wan only wants to do this so he can go back to his timeline. What if he is?

‘What is it?’ Obi-Wan asks. 

‘Do you…’ Anakin starts, ‘do you actually _want_ this?’

‘Yes,’ he replies reassuringly. ‘Of course I do.’

‘I mean, not just to send me back?’

Obi-Wan smiles. ‘No. I think I actually do want this.’

 _He thinks so._ But it’ll have to do. It’s all he’s going to get for now. Maybe, after the kiss he’ll know for sure. He pushes the voice away that asks him _what if decides he doesn’t want you anymore after the kiss?_

‘Okay.’ Anakin takes a deep breath and gets up from the dinner table. They won’t be able to reach each other over the table, so they’ll have to find some other place. ‘Bed?’

Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow, and Anakin realizes what he just implied. He can’t help but blush.

‘Yes, okay,’ Obi-Wan then replies. ‘The bed will do.’

It feels strangely cold like this. His first kiss with Padmé had been so much more natural: back on Naboo, in the sun, staring out of the water. It had been incredibly beautiful, and most of all, it hadn’t been in a hut on Tatooine. Anakin, however, does remember he had been talking about his hate for sand before. Maybe he hadn’t been so smooth as he thought.

They sit down on the bed, closer to each other than they did before as friends, but not close enough to be lovers. Anakin takes a deep breath and yet he cannot calm his nerves. He looks at Obi-Wan, and he seems as nervous as he is.

‘Did you kiss anyone before?’ Anakin asks.

‘Of course I did,’ Obi-Wan replies quickly.

‘Satine?’

‘Yeah. She’s one of them.’

_Great job, Anakin. Bring up his dead ex-girlfriend._

‘Okay, well,’ he says. ‘Let’s do this then.’

Obi-Wan nods and swallows. ‘Okay.’

Anakin’s heart is racing as they get closer. Suddenly the distance between them seems to be miles and miles. He never thought he could be so nervous about a single kiss. Not since his first kiss with Padmé.

He’s so close now he can feel his breath on his skin. Obi-Wan brings his hand to his cheek and strokes his cheekbone, a tender, soft and careful touch. They look into each other’s eyes and Anakin sees something in his eyes for the very first time: love, adoration, a soft look full of wonder, directed at him. The way he has been looking at Obi-Wan. He smiles right before closing his eyes.

Kissing Obi-Wan is different than kissing Padmé, but it’s unlike anything he expected. It’s a careful, gentle kiss, a kiss for trying out, for finding one another in physical contact. For finding how they can touch and should touch and should kiss. It’s a trial and a promise, and in that moment Anakin knows exactly what that promise is: _We’ll fix this._

They part after what could have ages or seconds, but Obi-Wan’s hand stays, as if he can do nothing else. He’s still stroking his cheek and looks at him sadly.

‘It didn’t work.’

For a split second Anakin had forgotten why they were doing this and he can feel his heart sinking.

‘Do you regret it?’ he asks.

Obi-Wan smiles. ‘No.’

* * *

So it didn’t work. Deep inside of him he’d always known it wouldn’t, and still he had said yes. How long would he spend trying to convince himself it’s not because he wants Anakin? He did like the kiss, loved it, truly. Kissing Anakin was like coming home, like it was both the first time and the hundredth time. It had been _good._ Not just physically, not even just emotionally, but it’s as if the Force agreed with what they did. As if the entire galaxy agreed. And Anakin, _oh Anakin_ , the way he looks at him: longing, but not the endlessly painful longing of one-sided love, but longing from lover to lover. As they are now.

‘What do we do now?’ Anakin seems almost hesitant to ask that question.

‘I don’t know.’ Obi-Wan sighs. ‘We’ll have to find another way.’

Anakin nods and Obi-Wan realizes his hand is still on his cheek. He doesn’t want to take it away. He wants to do this again and again and be so caught up in him he can forget how wrong this is supposed to be, how much they shouldn’t be doing this. They can both forget their questions and their fears and be wrapped up in one another. Only them.

So Obi-Wan moves towards him again and Anakin seems surprised, so delightfully surprised. He needs to try again, feel again, it’s as if the Force whispers _again_ and _again_ and _again. Drown in him._ He doesn’t know if it’s the light side speaking, the compassionate side of love, the love that can let go, or the dark side, the possessive side of love, the love that wants and keeps wanting and wants keeping. But it’s so strong he can only answer its call.

Anakin breathes in just before their lips touch and it’s as if his breath pulls him in. He opens his mouth a little now and it both scares him and excites him to see Anakin like this. His mouth is hot when his tongue makes his way into it, deepening the kiss. He is more eager, wants him more, wants him now so badly. _Drown in him._

How has he kept Anakin from himself for so long?

His hand is in his hair, Anakin’s hand is in his neck, and they can’t get enough, taking each other in as if they were air, and still breathless when they part, now with messed up hair and lips red from wild kisses. He never wanted anything as much as he wants Anakin, but he breathes, releases his desire into the Force, even if he doesn’t want to, not _really._ Because this is what he was afraid of. Of wanting too much, of letting himself get carried away. He can’t do that to Anakin.

‘That was amazing, Obi-Wan,’ Anakin says, and he’s so beautifully breathless. _Look what he has done to him._

He looks to him as he never looked before, breathless, wordless, his mouth still open a little. His fingers carefully touch his lips, never looking away, his gaze so intense. It’s if he can’t believe what just happened and truth is, Obi-Wan can’t either.

He’d expected it to be more awkward, but the atmosphere from earlier has completely disappeared. And still, they’re not completely at ease. Obi-Wan can feel Anakin’s excitement through the Force, can feel his heightened heartbeat as if it’s his own. His eyes are still fixed on his lips, as if he wants them on his once again. But something inside of him knows that if they start kissing again they won’t stop there. If it had worked, however slim the chance had been, he’d have been gone by now. Probably. He’s torn between begging his past version not to make this mistake and begging him to do make it, this beautiful, delightful, delicious mistake.

* * *

Anakin is still touching his lips in disbelief. Obi-Wan’s lips were there a mere few seconds ago and the way he kissed him had been incredible. It felt as if he had hungered for him, and if Anakin had genuinely believed Obi-Wan had agreed with this because he believed it’d get him back, then that belief has been discredited in the most beautiful way. But he didn’t truly believe that. Still, he has to be sure.

‘Did you,’ Anakin asks, lowering his hand now, ‘did you believe it would work?’

Obi-Wan shakes his head. ‘No.’

Anakin can’t help but smile. ‘So you did want to kiss me?’

‘Yes,’ Obi-Wan answers, and he sounds a little breathless, still affected by the kiss, ‘I had no idea how badly.’

The words only confirm what he’d felt coming from Obi-Wan in their kiss. He had never thought he could be like this, never imagined kissing Obi-Wan would be like this, even in his wildest fantasies. Even those do not compare to what he just went through: Obi-Wan wants him, not just a little bit, but enough to pull him in, to push his tongue in his mouth, to have him. But now Obi-Wan looks away, almost as if he’s ashamed of his reply.

‘Obi-Wan?’ Anakin asks. ‘What is it?’

‘I shouldn’t have done that.’

Anakin can feel his heart sinking. That’s not the first time he’s heard that from the mouth of someone he just kissed.

‘Why not?’

‘Because,’ Obi-Wan sighs. ‘Because I wanted to. Because I wanted too badly.’

Anakin doesn’t understand. ‘That’s not a bad thing, is it?’

Obi-Wan shakes his head. ‘You don’t understand.’

‘Then explain.’ Anakin can feel anger coming up, but it doesn’t yet beat the confusion.

‘I did once teach you the Jedi value compassion and love, didn’t I?’

Anakin nods. Where is he going with this?

‘Well, there are two forms of love,’ Obi-Wan explains. ‘The compassionate love the Jedi aim to give and the possessive side of love. That’s the kind of love that only wants to have and take and keep. That’s the kind of love we have to watch out for.’

‘Is that what you think this is?’ he asks angrily.

‘No, no, Anakin, listen. When..,’ he takes a deep breath. ‘When Darth Vader choked Padmé on Mustafar he shouted at me that I could not take her from him.’

 _He uses Darth Vader as if we’re worlds apart._ ‘And that’s what I think I feel for you? And for Padmé? Because of what happened on Mustafar?’

Obi-Wan shakes his head. ‘No, not exactly. I think your love for Padmé, and for me, is true and deep. I can feel it.’

‘Then why tell me this story?’ Anakin says, shaking his head.

‘Because I’m afraid that’s what I feel for you.’ Obi-Wan doesn’t look at him. ‘Because I want you, take you, keep you.’

Anakin stares at the other man. He should be worried about his words, probably, but he isn’t. He is overjoyed. He can’t believe Obi-Wan feels that, because it’s all he’s ever dreamed of. He wants to be wanted like that.

‘Anakin, don’t you understand?’ Obi-Wan says, frustrated. ‘This is dangerous. I’ve seen what it leads to.’

‘You wouldn’t… you wouldn’t hurt me.’

‘No,’ Obi-Wan says, and he means it, Anakin knows he means it. ‘But I did on Mustafar.’

‘Not out of love.’

‘I don’t know. But I did love you, even in that moment.’

Anakin doesn’t reply, looks away now too.

‘I can’t imagine hurting you, Anakin,’ Obi-Wan whispers. ‘But I’m scared of what jealousy, what possessiveness could do with me. Of what I’d do for you.’

Anakin shakes his head, knowing exactly what he means. ‘You’d never turn.’ 

‘But what if I do?’ Obi-Wan asks, and there is fear in his voice. Fear of himself, Anakin realizes. And then, another realization.

‘What if _I_ did?’ Anakin asks.

‘Did what?’ Obi-Wan asks.

‘Turned out of love. Possessive love.’

Obi-Wan shakes his head. ‘How?’

Anakin sighs. ‘I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t make sense, but now that I’ve thought of it, I can’t get it out of my head.’

‘Well,’ Obi-Wan says, looking around. ‘Nothing has changed. You’re still here. I don’t know if that means anything.’

‘Maybe it’s because we don’t know the entire story?’

Obi-Wan replies after a few second. ‘Maybe.’

* * *

Maybe Anakin is right, even though Obi-Wan doesn’t really want to believe it. He wants to believe Palpatine did something to him, manipulated him so badly he wasn’t himself anymore, but to fall to the dark side, out of love… That’s an even more terrible fate.

‘How do we figure out the entire story?’ Anakin asks. Obi-Wan is not sure if he’s talking to himself or to him, but he replies anyway:

‘I don’t know. There is nobody that knows the entire story. Except Palpatine maybe, and…’ The realization hits him like a brick. ‘And Darth Vader.’

‘Yes,’ Anakin replies, ‘but it’s not like we can just talk to him.’

‘But we can, Anakin!’ Obi-Wan takes a deep breath. Anakin is not going to like what he just realized, what plan is forming inside of his head. ‘He’s looking for Jedi, isn’t he?’

‘Obi-Wan!’ Anakin protests.

‘He’s looking for Jedi and I’m a Jedi. And he will be looking for me, most of all, for what I have done to him.’

‘No, Obi-Wan, you can’t mean this.’

Obi-Wan ignores his protests. ‘I only have to give one hint to let him know I’m here. He’ll come. And Anakin, I know him, I know you, he’ll want to come alone.’

‘You said he’d never come here.’

Obi-Wan is quiet for a second. ‘But he’ll come for me.’

‘How do you know?’

‘Because he loved me. And now, he must hate me with a passion only one who loved can hate.’

Anakin shakes his head. ‘You can’t.’

‘I must.’

‘Obi-Wan, stop playing the martyr,’ he begs. ‘You can’t do this.’

‘I must talk to him, Anakin. I need to know. We need to know.’

‘What if he doesn’t want to talk to you?’ he protests. ‘What if he just kills you?’

‘I can stand my ground,’ Obi-Wan replies. ‘And if I die, nothing is lost. There is you and _you_ might be able to get through to him.’

‘He’ll hate me too.’

‘But we can try. And if he attacks, I’ll stand by you. I’ll die for you.’

‘No!’ Anakin exclaims. ‘You’ll be killed by me.’

Obi-Wan looks at him, _his_ Anakin, his beautiful Anakin, and he knows one thing: ‘it’ll be worth it.’


End file.
